This is a piece I did for an art final I have yet to title. Maybe something like Desires or Letting Go... It was done on a large sheet of paper with charcoal (my drawing arch nemesis).  It had to have a narrative surrounding it as well as a self-portrait of sorts. In a sense this piece is a reflection of my inability to articulate my ideas clearly. So here is an attempt to clarify this highly amateur work. So much for show and don't tell...

The foreground and background are meant as layers to a rather complex quest toward a desire towards peace and prosperity internally and externally. In the background, starting at the left, is a space filled with concrete and what is largely a socially constructed world that in its own way is quite 'natural' in the ways we live within it. Because I am in academia, I put in an artificial tree with papers for leaves. The road at its boundaries is asphalt. There is only one way to go about existence on this side. Unconsciously or in retrospect, this is a representation of living in a "left-brained" world. A world run by absolute logic and reason considered to be near infallible.

On the right there are living things--grass and flowers, a 'real' tree and a river serving as the boundary. This is meant to represent the other end of the spectrum and the opposite of absolute logic and reason. A place where creativity and emotion is allowed to thrive. Water representing the fluidity of consciousness and thought. A road with many possibilities for travel. An element where reality and fantasy can reside in realms like storytelling. Once more, in retrospect, a representation of living in a "right-brained" world.  The two 'roads' mimic one another, showing the dialectics of one informing the other.In the middle is a valley of tall grass meant to serve as negative space--a path that is the balance point between reason and fluidity. A space connecting the two modes of thought and being. Where both ways of thought coexist harmoniously. This is my illustration of what such a path--where there is appreciation for both modes of thinking and being--might look like. It is tough to imagine a more fitting representation despite the words of wisdom cautioning not to travel completely on one road and forsake the other (although it is more than tempting for me to want to cast aside the path and place of absolute reason at times). This is the road and place I would like to discover for myself,  a path and place of balance in thought, reasoning and being.

In the foreground is the self-portrait of my hands. They are bloodied and reaching. The object they are reaching for is the sun within which is a peony. This object is a representation of inner and outer peace and prosperity. For me this means doing well by others as well as myself. Working toward the betterment of humanity. Working toward peace, love and happiness as a focal point of my travels. Like the sun, it is out of reach and perhaps a naive and idealistic quest that is has a rather vague goal. I am unsure of what this type of endeavor looks like in a concrete manner since this journey is one that in some respects has been traveled and is heavily reliant on the path of reason, the path that has made sense to me. In other respects this--traveling along the path of reason--is not the case in that my desires are not concrete and perhaps unattainable--especially the betterment of humanity and doing something that helps others, let alone wanting to find inner peace, love , and happiness.

What has bloodied my hands is tin flower with jagged razor edges. This flower represents the beauty of ideals that have become rather painful and self-harming to hold on to. Adhering to authority figures because it  keeps one out of trouble and unquestioned obedience are examples of this. Adhering to tenets of logic and reason, though I've never fully understood them, has become quite painful and oppressive. Abiding by rules that are quite arbitrary in that not everyone has to in order to do well in their journey i.e working hard and reaping the benefits of one's labors, and the old adage, no pain, no gain. These are things that have resulted in much pain and misery yet are difficult to let go of because I've known nothing else and am afraid of being penalized or loosing my way.

I understand that in going for ones goals, hopes and dreams--striving fully--reaching out means letting go. Of  fear, pain of the past and present, and perhaps of control as well. It means leaving behind things I've learned, 'truths' that might no longer be relevant if I am to truly understand and strive for my goals. And perhaps it means trusting completely in myself.

I've been thinking a lot about my journey in dichotomies. Two extremes, either this or that, nothing in between. This has been the nature of my existence and it is hard to think beyond one or the other. This piece is a depiction of a desire to move away from that. To move toward a space with a great amount of possibility in thought and being. Maybe freedom is what I'm after.

Thanks for bearing with me on this.

Up next, a dichotomous way of expressing this desire but hopefully no less of a sense of liberation is attached.

A "Bad" Friend

Maybe this is more an issue of the necessity of being a social being. A big struggle of mine is that of leaving the comforts of introversion. It's been a while since high school, but during this time was when my social patterns were developed the most. Moving and attending six high schools didn't help matters any. Nor did finding out from a condescending parent that the people I thought were friends were really people who saw me as the butt of their jokes in junior high. Needless to say most situations with meeting new people are approached with 'yellow alert-like' caution (Star Trek fans know what that means). When it came to situations where I clearly did not fit in I was in 'red-alert' mode, though my passiveness made it difficult to think I could use my phasers, only evasive maneuvers.

In any case, not only am I an introvert but a guarded one trusting the gut on people I've come to know. As a friend, I'm good in face to face situations but am not good at calling or keeping any kind of meaningful contact. On top of that, I'm bad a planning or arranging hang-out sessions. I'm just not a social butterfly. It's great to be contacted but hopefully my failure to reciprocate is not taken personally. It's difficult to gauge if and when I'm becoming a pest with my banter, so to avoid such pondering I keep my share of the conversation minimal which works out since my friends usually have more to say and report than I do.

Unfortunately this is worse for those who have move considerable distances from me. Except for my Sis, whom I can usually depend on to be up for any kind of convo, it is difficult to bring myself to keep in touch. With all of these individuals, I miss and care about them deeply and wish I could see them more. When we do connect, it's refreshing. Most seem to understand how I feel and that I still wish for them to be my friend.

Which brings me to about this time last year. Sis and I met a cool family on a ferry boat to Canada. Next thing you know were up on Hurricane Ridge doing some awesome stargazing with the Twin Brothers from this family--they had an industrial sized telescope, computer coordinates of the constellations and everything! Did I mention it was awesome! We got to see the moon, Saturn, Scorpio and my favorite, the Swan nebula. I cannot begin to thank them enough for the awesome time! Total strangers I wish had become friends--'cause they would make awesome friends. However, my family and I were just passing through so all I could get away with was a phone number and an address. At around Christmas time I sent them a long belated note of thanks and well wishes for the Holiday. I also wrote a poem that I will post and dedicate to all the friends and family I've neglected over the years yet miss like crazy. Anyone I dare to call friend is a major feat of trust on my end because these individuals are truly good and amazing people I've had the fortune of knowing and having in my life at some point. More than anything this piece is an expression of gratitude for that alone. Maybe those of you reading will be able to relate as well...

Star-Gazing

Etched on the contours of my soul

Are memories of the Stars

You all are there too

The night sky is the photo album where I keep you

With the rest of my far-flung family

Beautifully placed yet so far away

Though I neglect you

I am blessed to know you are there 

And that I can visit you

And you me

When I go outside

Love,

Aloe-Jade

Full Metal Alchemist ponderings pt. 2: the Gate

Once again, here are my thoughts about aspects of the series Full Metal Alchemist (both of them) that have inspired much thought. Since I can't talk about it coherently with any one that I know has watched the show (which is one person and I don't wan't to sound like a total idiot in front of him), I figure this is a good space to fully lay them out. So again, there are spoilers but I encourage any one that can to watch the show and form their own thoughts about the events that come to pass.

So, the another element of the show I've thought about from time to time has to do with 'the Gate'. It is often described as the gateway to 'the Truth'. Those that use alchemy appear to be only ones that possess it and it appears to be accessed only when the impossible attempt at (re)creating a human life is engaged. With the law of equivalent exchange as the basis of alchemy, there is nothing of  equivalence that can be exchanged for a human soul. Not even a philosopher's stone can challenge this 'fact'. As such, those that have dared are exposed briefly to 'the Truth'; a maddening experience because of the myriad of 'knowledge' one soaks in (of which I imagine only a fraction is maintained).

In addition to accessing this gate (I'll call it a gate of knowledge), one comes face to face with 'the Truth' which is self-described as the individual facing them (by stating 'I am you')and in so many words, God (let me know if I'm wrong about this). This all-knowing being has a brief conversation with the transgressor--one who attempts human transmutation that results in creation of a human life--before sending her/him away. It has been a while since I've seen any of the scenes in which this occurs but I think this being whom goes by many names, tries to give the transgressor something to think about before sending her/him off.

Although only alchemists are made aware of the existence of their Gate, which happens to be what allows them to use alchemy, I wonder if this Gate could have been something that was a part of everyone in this tale and that certain individuals were more in tune with it than others? I thought it was interesting near the end of the second series that, in realizing he still had friends and family who cared about him regardless, Edward chooses to give up his Gate and thus his ability to use alchemy (and perhaps converse with the God within him? or maybe it was just that he believed in himself so greatly that he no longer needed to have this option available to him) in order to bring back his brother. I wonder about the significance of this.

Indeed there is selflessness involved to a degree. After all, the ability to use alchemy in itself holds a great deal of power for the individual in question. It can be used to bring about as much harm as good. I imagine this would be a hard thing to realize, let alone want to give up. After taking into account equivalent exchange, alchemy is a mode of great power allowing individuals to create as well as destroy at will in the FMA world.

It makes me think of the equivalence of this in society as well. Part of this having simply to do with the Gate and its various meanings and translations in the real world. What might our inner source of knowledge/truth be that allows for us to have a great deal of power in a particular area or as a particular aspect of our lives? (did that make sense?) Is this source of power something that also includes the ability to create and destroy at will, keeping in mind the various 'laws' that are part of this particular realm?

I'm not trying to say that we all are alchemists but maybe that this concept can be applied to multiple realms and aspects of our livelihoods in which we could be alchemists. That we have an inherent power that we can control--once learned--at will and that this power or ability becomes taken for granted to the point that it is hard to imagine life without it. It may cloud our judgement about what is important or that what seems simple to us, because of this ability and the insights that  come with it, is in fact a lot of work without it. What it would mean to give that piece of ourselves up for a cause greater than ourselves knowing what we know? Knowing that there are more positives than negatives that will come of it? What might this Gate translate to in our lives?

I can't really think of anything amazing within myself  that this might translate to at the moment, but maybe it is a sign of how I take this/these internal attributes for granted. Maybe it takes knowing others on a deep enough level to spark awareness of what this might be. Maybe it is another part of the journey I must go on to figure myself out. Or I could just need a different way of thinking about this. I wonder what the author and creator of this series would have to say on the matter?

In any case, another part of the notion of the Gate makes me think about my limited encounters with Buddhist thought. Specifically Niciren Daishonin's  style of Buddhist thought. How chanting puts us in tune with the greater universe that we are a part of and that is within us. That we are engaging in a practice that further opens us to our potential of attaining the Buddha-hood that has always existed within us. I guess I think of this as a practice where we are accessing and trying to open our inner Gates beyond which lies our Truth, the God within us. This changes our relationship with our surrounding reality in that our infinite potentials are gradually realized, though there is just as much potential to instantaneously travel back and forth between any of the ten worlds (hell, hunger, animality, anger, humanity, heaven, learning, realization, Bodhisattva and Buddha-hood)  and their accompanying manifestations making the journey an imperfect one (at least that's how I understand it at the moment). If the Gate were to be understood in relation to this, would it be wise to want to give up such an essential part of ourselves? To cast away the God within us knowing that it connects us to the rest of the world, universe and God? Maybe if this aspect of ourselves was well understood the idea of doing this would be thought of differently.

Any insights or thoughts on any of these notions discussed are welcome. I have yet to full wrap my mind on any of this stuff but would enjoy the conversation and act of trying . Otherwise, at least my thoughts have been somewhat organized in some manner of articulation. Maybe reading the manga will help too. Or watching the show fifty more times--like I need an excuse ;}

Full Metal Alchemist ponderings pt. 1

Disclaimer: The following concerns a show I have already seen and thus might have spoilers. If you haven't seen the show I highly recommend it. What I have to say shouldn't influence what you may or may not have seen in the show. These are just my thoughts.

Recently I had the pleasure of watching both versions of Full Metal Alchemist (the second version was watched mostly in Japanese with subs so I eagerly await access to English dubs). The main thing I like about this series and most Japanese animation series I've gotten into in the past is the ability to promote extensive thought about the notions and ideals communicated. For instance,while I enjoyed both versions, I liked how the first actively questioned or at least was critical of the taken for granted notion of  'equivalent exchange'; where in order to receive something, something of equal value must be given. I have my own issues with this notion that is very much a part of how daily life is encountered, especially when it comes to the justness of such thought when it comes to the less fortunate and downtrodden.

Another thing I like about both series and have been thinking about surrounds the 'philosopher's stone', its creation and its use. The main thing about the philosopher's stone is that it can be used without adhering to the 'first law of alchemy', equivalent exchange. This stone has a great deal of power to do whatever the beholder desires, giving that individual a great sense of being powerful. Often the stone is used to gain and maintain power and is seen as a grantor of wishes in a sense. Its creation however might be problematic to some--especially those that are social justice oriented--in that human souls are needed. The stone is essentially human lives/souls and relies on them for its power.

As such throughout human history as it exists in FMA, this knowledge has lead to large scale massacres and even genocides of various groups i.e races of people with made-up names (but minorities nonetheless) that have resided within or around the fictional dominant nation Amestris.All of this appears to have been done at the behest of the state military strictly for the creation of philosopher's stones which serve a  myriad of purposes I wont go into but all of which have to do with gaining and maintaining power and authority. Interestingly, until the present story line of FMA, the philosopher's stone was/is treated largely as a myth and seekers are warned of death and peril to those that pursue it.

I mention all of this because after watching the show, I have been wondering about the equivalent of the philosopher's stone in our current reality. What is the thing or things that ensure the power of a nation or group of people? What is the object or objects that have cost thousands, millions, billions of human lives in order to obtain  it/them for our own use or livelihoods? On the unacknowledged backs/souls of whom do we stand  as we proceed with the quality of life we have? What is it that allows for the dismissal of the concept of equivalent exchange on micro and macro levels by the powerful? What are the true intentions of such senseless murder and destruction?

I hope the answer that surrounds these queries isn't as simple as power. Or maybe its resources that were or still are symbols exchanged for power and domination. Those are just some guesses I have on the matter. Often I think about the near elimination of American Indians, the Holocaust, Hiroshima, Middle Eastern conflicts the U.S. is or isn't directly involved in and a lot of the movement toward genocide that has taken place in various African countries as real world examples of human atrocities for the sake of many things I do not fully understand but might equate to a purpose similar to the acquiring of a philosopher's stone like substance. It is interesting how minorities are made to suffer the most for such lofty aims, though we all suffer just the same despite the differences in which it occurs.

There is so much I am unaware of in regards to these issues yet I am not sure how I would take responsibility or begin to act responsively to the knowledge that surrounds these issues. Like the Elrich brothers, is it too naive or idealistic to think I could live and achieve my goals without use--known and unknown--of a philosopher's stone, whatever that happens to represent in reality? Though they manage without it (at least in the first series), the paths they discover are arduous and painful at times yet alternatives to using the stone are ever present. However those that do use it with a conscience acknowledge the souls/lives within the stone to the point where it is believed they are willing participants in the use intended for the stone (hope that made sense). At the very least, gratitude is expressed towards the souls/lives that make use of the stone possible.

I wonder what that would mean for us in reality? At the moment I can't even begin to imagine the vast amount of people, besides my ancestors and American Indians, to give gratitude to for the life I currently live here in America. And this is only one aspect of the show that I've dwelled on in my head--which is why I like it so much. I wonder what others think about this? Any insights into this  or FMA in general are welcome.

Oh and thanks to The Coolest Brother Ever for introducing me to this show!  

Up next...pt2: the Gate

Research Ideas: Comic related

As a graduate student, the wheels are always spinning as to what I should research. Talking to people in and outside of academia only amplifies the possibilities of studies I could do. A few years ago, I hatched an idea to a fellow graduate student. A few years later, I hatched an update of this idea to a couple of professors from different universities that were interested in comics. I figured I'd post a revised version of this idea to get feedback from whomever cares to. I would love to know any thoughts surrounding the notions presented and realize that there are likely errors in my thinking. Well, here it goes...

My research idea: Exploration of the introduction of minority characters into the Marvel Universe with a spotlight on the X-Men. Another layer of this idea looks into story lines that deal with the conflict characters face in regards to identity, being part of a group that is heavily discriminated against yet doing what is necessary to serve and protect humanity. I am interested in stories that depict the turmoil faced by characters whom are encouraged to do what they can to work towards peace and harmony with humans but live in a reality filled with hatred projected on them by humans. By looking at these things, I suppose I am theorizing such storytelling as a mode of social activism and justice within the Marvel Universe.

An example of this is not centered around the X-Men but Captain America. A graphic novel was produced in 2003  that shed light on the experimentation done on black soldiers during World War II  that is reminiscent of the Tuskegee experiments done around the same time. This story showed the true origins of Captain America, and told the tale of the black soldier who survived experimentation and thus was technically the first Captain America. 

While I have little depth of knowledge about the many X-Men story lines--it's too expensive to keep track--from what I do know and have read, I get the sense that Marvel has been a bit more active in creating diverse and complex characters and stories. Though the ways in which this has come to pass are not flawless--looking closely at female and minority character depictions might reveal heavy flaws indeed--it seems Marvel was active about being inclusive of the vast variety of people that read comic books. There is a lot there with intersectionalities of race, gender, and class. Things were never perfect for the characters depicted or their situations and goals/ideals. Complexities abound about the ideals and the difficulties in staying true to them; not to mention the internal contradictions do-gooders were often too late to realize until negative repercussions surfaced. 

In addition to all of this, I could stand to do a comparison with DC comics regarding these same things despite my bias. I realize the flack I'll get in saying that I find DC to be historically status-quo race, class and gender wise,  and thus unappealing character and story-wise. My bias also stems from being a Marvel fan since childhood when I would steal my older brother's comics and watch X-Men and Spider-Man on Saturday mornings. Did I mention I did my then relaxed hair like Wolverine for the premiere of the first X-Men movie? Suppose it goes to show how clouded my thinking is in favor of Marvel.

More ideas to come...

Anniversary: Promises made, Few kept

It's been six years since I made a vow. To be patient, kind, understanding and committed. That I would be what love is. During this time, I'm not sure I followed through consistently on any of them except commitment. Entering in, I was naively optimistic that no matter what happened love would always be there guiding our way. Never had the thought crossed my mind that I had no idea of what love truly was, nor that in a variety of situations, I am neither patient, kind or understanding. My upbringing has a lot to do with that, so it's no wonder that the magic of love became little more than a myth that couldn't be lived up to on my end.

I tend to have a short temper about things both trivial and non-trivial, stubborn about what I think I'm right about and not very understanding about how my Mate views certain things. At the same time, I am reluctantly, yet overly compliant about a great many things--some of which I should have stood my ground on. Being "properly" assertive is not my strong suit and I am not skilled at "choosing my battles". This also makes me rather angry in that I tend to be wrong most of the time. Holding things in is a strong suit I mastered in childhood--when it was clear my thoughts and feelings did not matter. I have wrongfully carried this belief over to my relationship, although in some instances I do wonder.

However I have chosen to stand firm in commitment, regardless of the pitfalls that have occurred along the way. I do not know why. Initially, I figured I was in a situation where I could grow from the things my Mate could teach me, especially when it came to love, family, wisdom--things I figured were not strong in myself. I still have a lot to learn in these areas and now realize that this is something I must take on alone. Not to say that I am leaving but that these are things I have to figure out for myself. In doing so, I might be a better partner to my Mate. I also need to figure out myself and how to eliminate the negative pit that has been a long-standing remnant of childhood days.

Learning patience, understanding, freedom of expression and most of all love are things that have begun to occur to me as a highly necessary part of my journey. Doing so will make me a better person, partner and parent among the roles I must take on. Until then I will continue to struggle with doing my best with my Mate, appreciate him for putting up with me so far, and hope to someday be true to my vows.