Wednesday, July 20, 2011

A "Bad" Friend

Maybe this is more an issue of the necessity of being a social being. A big struggle of mine is that of leaving the comforts of introversion. It's been a while since high school, but during this time was when my social patterns were developed the most. Moving and attending six high schools didn't help matters any. Nor did finding out from a condescending parent that the people I thought were friends were really people who saw me as the butt of their jokes in junior high. Needless to say most situations with meeting new people are approached with 'yellow alert-like' caution (Star Trek fans know what that means). When it came to situations where I clearly did not fit in I was in 'red-alert' mode, though my passiveness made it difficult to think I could use my phasers, only evasive maneuvers.

In any case, not only am I an introvert but a guarded one trusting the gut on people I've come to know. As a friend, I'm good in face to face situations but am not good at calling or keeping any kind of meaningful contact. On top of that, I'm bad a planning or arranging hang-out sessions. I'm just not a social butterfly. It's great to be contacted but hopefully my failure to reciprocate is not taken personally. It's difficult to gauge if and when I'm becoming a pest with my banter, so to avoid such pondering I keep my share of the conversation minimal which works out since my friends usually have more to say and report than I do.

Unfortunately this is worse for those who have move considerable distances from me. Except for my Sis, whom I can usually depend on to be up for any kind of convo, it is difficult to bring myself to keep in touch. With all of these individuals, I miss and care about them deeply and wish I could see them more. When we do connect, it's refreshing. Most seem to understand how I feel and that I still wish for them to be my friend.

Which brings me to about this time last year. Sis and I met a cool family on a ferry boat to Canada. Next thing you know were up on Hurricane Ridge doing some awesome stargazing with the Twin Brothers from this family--they had an industrial sized telescope, computer coordinates of the constellations and everything! Did I mention it was awesome! We got to see the moon, Saturn, Scorpio and my favorite, the Swan nebula. I cannot begin to thank them enough for the awesome time! Total strangers I wish had become friends--'cause they would make awesome friends. However, my family and I were just passing through so all I could get away with was a phone number and an address. At around Christmas time I sent them a long belated note of thanks and well wishes for the Holiday. I also wrote a poem that I will post and dedicate to all the friends and family I've neglected over the years yet miss like crazy. Anyone I dare to call friend is a major feat of trust on my end because these individuals are truly good and amazing people I've had the fortune of knowing and having in my life at some point. More than anything this piece is an expression of gratitude for that alone. Maybe those of you reading will be able to relate as well...


Etched on the contours of my soul
Are memories of the Stars
You all are there too
The night sky is the photo album where I keep you
With the rest of my far-flung family
Beautifully placed yet so far away
Though I neglect you
I am blessed to know you are there 
And that I can visit you
And you me
When I go outside


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