And now for another light-hearted materialistic post...
So, my feet are busted. By that I mean, they swell for no apparent reason (it cost over 700 dollars in tests, x-rays and ultrasounds for doctors to say "I don't know why your feet are swelling"). This has been going on for 3+ years. Now, I'm a size 12 pant size, and have been for over 5 years so, I don't think my size has anything to do with it.
Any how, 'girly' shoes like Mary-Janes, or ballet flats are no longer an option. For a while, I even gave up on wearing shorts and skirts in the summer time. Now I figure, life is too short (no pun intended) to limit my clothing options to pants for the rest of my life. The problem with my new-found resolve is the limited spectrum in shoes available for my perpetually swollen feet and ankles. Firstly, I do not know how noticeable this problem is for others. Still, the only thing I can get away with wearing with shorts and skirts (and even pants) are sneakers and flip-flops. Girly flip-flops still abide by the dainty foot principle so with dressier models and their thin straps, its easy to see flesh bulging around them. So I've been relying on the male versions, which are much more foot friendly when it comes to comfort.
In fact, as of late, I've favored male versions of sneakers for quite some time. I like that men's feet are not expected to be dainty, which means I can by the size I wear and not have to worry about discomfort. Yes, I suppose, I do favor men's (and unisex) shoes for this reason. If only I could find some that I could wear with shorts, skirts and pants. For now, the only shoes I can wear regularly with shorts and mini-skirts are my really old and dingy Rod Lavers. With longer skirts, my Payless version Converses seem to do the trick (except when the shoes look oddly pointy and misshapen around my swollen feet).
Slacks are becoming an issue too. I want to have a sense of finesse when I dress--especially for my upcoming jobs, but the casual shoes available do not favor my feet. I miss the 'bowling' style shoes that were around in the 2002-2004-ish era. You know the one that seemed to go with jeans and slacks and just seemed so cool in general? Anyone remember those? I wish those type of shoes still existed. Now that they've gone the way of being ultra-feminine, I just can't seem to win. Unless someone knows something I don't--please, please share if so; I don't internet shop on the regular so any word on cool shoes would help. Otherwise, I don't see what's wrong with wearing Converses with slacks, especially for slighltly laid-back atmospheres.
Any suggestions for shoe choices are welcome. As you might have guessed, I'm not all that 'fem' when it comes to shoes. Heck, I don't even wear make-up and I have a bit of a nail-biting problem (a holdover from childhood). I like to be 'fem' in my own way I guess, which means I say no to shoes that are supposed to make feet look small. What can I say, I'm a sucker for comfort (but a sucker for style too)!
Well thanks for 'listening'. Until next time...
Showing posts with label choices. Show all posts
Showing posts with label choices. Show all posts
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
A Dichotomous Look at My Journey
What I'm about to write I realize is a problematic way of looking at my life so far along with the potential my life has. At the moment, it makes sense that what has happened up to this point is viewed in this way. Maybe it has to do with my level of comfort with dichotomies that I hope to move beyond at some point. But when I think of all that has happened, my mind goes to this...
The cello is an instrument I adore. I played at one point and hope to pick it up again. For me its sound resembles the human voice, a human range of emotions, even the human soul. When I would play, I was often drawn to songs that emote on a sorrowful level. I identified with this sound and range of emotion as much as the cello did. This was (and still is to a degree) the sound that resided in my soul. Life was rather oppressive. There was little opportunity to openly emote true feelings and in general repercussions for getting 'out of line' (which wasn't well defined and quite arbitrary at that) were severe in my mind when it came to punishment. There was no sense of balance beyond sibling camaraderie and school, to the overbearing sense of discipline that guided our lives. It was hard to imagine there was any escape except in fantasy--which my siblings and I would play out from time to time when home alone. Needless to say, I learned to master carrying around this sense of heavy often negative feelings with no outlet
The ukulele is an instrument I discovered well into adulthood and admired for its light heartedness that came with its sound. It is often described as an instrument of the heart. I identified with this instrument because it aligned with my desire to be a happier person. Its small frame and light body seemed welcoming to anyone willing to learn. Like the quest for inner happiness and peace, it takes practice and dedication (something I have yet to be 100 percent about which might say something about my own dedication to the path of inner peace and happiness). But its always there and sounding chipper when I pick it up.
In a way, I see the sharp difference between these two instruments as a reflection of the choices I've made in my life. Decisions that might have meant self denial of happiness, love, and living. As a child, the first major decision I made to live with my father instead of my mother. At the time it seemed like a practical decision, one that guaranteed I would turn out a good person instead of reckless and possibly pregnant at 16--so my father would have me believe if I choose to go with her. In retrospect, it wouldn't have mattered what decision I made because the only one that would have been respected by my father, whom I was already living with, was to stay where I was. I learned this after my little brother made it known that he really wanted to live with mom repeatedly. A revelation I believe led to his increased abuse at my father's hand.
The second major decision I made was, once again, made out of duty to practicality. It was a decision to neither deny nor confirm that my father was overly abusive to my little brother. The practicality came into play upon the realization that either way, my sister and I would be going back home with our father, who would lay into us for saying the 'wrong' things (basically things that made him look bad). This came to pass but only in intensely verbally abusive ways, which meant I had to intensify my ability to hold things in.
In adulthood, I kept making these kinds of 'practical' choices that often meant a denial of happiness. The latest example coming from a willingness to stay with an oppressive situation in graduate school before being pushed into moving on to better things. All my life it seems that the 'practical' decisions and paths have also been wrought with oppression and despair...
I realize I'm rambling with my stories, only to say that I hope in seeking out a lighter, and happier path that I am not too late in my endeavors. That this path will, like my mother, still be willing to welcome me with open arms and an open heart. I want my heart and soul to take on the lightness of the ukulele, though I still find beauty and value in the humanity that is also a part of the cello.
The cello is an instrument I adore. I played at one point and hope to pick it up again. For me its sound resembles the human voice, a human range of emotions, even the human soul. When I would play, I was often drawn to songs that emote on a sorrowful level. I identified with this sound and range of emotion as much as the cello did. This was (and still is to a degree) the sound that resided in my soul. Life was rather oppressive. There was little opportunity to openly emote true feelings and in general repercussions for getting 'out of line' (which wasn't well defined and quite arbitrary at that) were severe in my mind when it came to punishment. There was no sense of balance beyond sibling camaraderie and school, to the overbearing sense of discipline that guided our lives. It was hard to imagine there was any escape except in fantasy--which my siblings and I would play out from time to time when home alone. Needless to say, I learned to master carrying around this sense of heavy often negative feelings with no outlet
The ukulele is an instrument I discovered well into adulthood and admired for its light heartedness that came with its sound. It is often described as an instrument of the heart. I identified with this instrument because it aligned with my desire to be a happier person. Its small frame and light body seemed welcoming to anyone willing to learn. Like the quest for inner happiness and peace, it takes practice and dedication (something I have yet to be 100 percent about which might say something about my own dedication to the path of inner peace and happiness). But its always there and sounding chipper when I pick it up.
In a way, I see the sharp difference between these two instruments as a reflection of the choices I've made in my life. Decisions that might have meant self denial of happiness, love, and living. As a child, the first major decision I made to live with my father instead of my mother. At the time it seemed like a practical decision, one that guaranteed I would turn out a good person instead of reckless and possibly pregnant at 16--so my father would have me believe if I choose to go with her. In retrospect, it wouldn't have mattered what decision I made because the only one that would have been respected by my father, whom I was already living with, was to stay where I was. I learned this after my little brother made it known that he really wanted to live with mom repeatedly. A revelation I believe led to his increased abuse at my father's hand.
The second major decision I made was, once again, made out of duty to practicality. It was a decision to neither deny nor confirm that my father was overly abusive to my little brother. The practicality came into play upon the realization that either way, my sister and I would be going back home with our father, who would lay into us for saying the 'wrong' things (basically things that made him look bad). This came to pass but only in intensely verbally abusive ways, which meant I had to intensify my ability to hold things in.
In adulthood, I kept making these kinds of 'practical' choices that often meant a denial of happiness. The latest example coming from a willingness to stay with an oppressive situation in graduate school before being pushed into moving on to better things. All my life it seems that the 'practical' decisions and paths have also been wrought with oppression and despair...
I realize I'm rambling with my stories, only to say that I hope in seeking out a lighter, and happier path that I am not too late in my endeavors. That this path will, like my mother, still be willing to welcome me with open arms and an open heart. I want my heart and soul to take on the lightness of the ukulele, though I still find beauty and value in the humanity that is also a part of the cello.
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