Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Problems with being me

Ho hum, here I go again!

I was just at a going away gathering and came away feeling rather embarrassed. In trying to go with the flow with trying to start conversations and introduce myself—like I normally don't—I ended up making a fool out of myself several times. This is me however. I don't always say the right things at the right time, I was never that cool to begin with, so attempts seem quite futile at times. I knew it would be rude to be the odd wallflower on the margins, so I figured I would just be me, and ended up being weird. What causes that extra sting is that I was around other black people like myself for once. Except when I speak or be myself, I am reminded that I am not like other black people, and that they more than likely have a strong desire to disown me. 

The dream goggles of marginal acceptance came off when a certain so-and-so showed up acting like he didn't know me and only bothered to speak to me—to say bye—when I was saying my goodbyes. I honestly have given this person no real tangible reason to dislike me as much as he clearly does—I mean the nonverbal cues speak volumes. Tonight however, a scenario popped into my head that involved me actually confronting this attitude ridden stranger, punching him in the face several times and saying “Now you have a tangible reason not to like me...chump!” and then walking off with only shocked stares following ("Steppin' Razor" is playing in the background). 

The fact that I am so bothered by such continual occurrences means I have a long way to go before gaining a true sense of self acceptance. What makes this challenging is knowing that around anybody, but especially other black people, I feel like I am in permanent high school. I can't escape from the constant judgment that comes with me being myself! It's not that I'm a total slob or anything, I just “talk funny” and have a rather awkward demeanor at times. I'm not sure what else has me being elected for an even more marginalized status than usual but it kills the shit out of my self-confidence, and I'm fricken 29! Time and time again I ask myself, WHAT DID I DO? What did I do to offend these people so? What am I to these people? 

I know I sound like a whiny victim; I just cant help it when stuff like this keeps coming up. I honestly do nothing but try to be polite and strike up some semblance of a conversation. Yet, all I get is brick walls of attitude  like I am unworthy of being taken seriously as a human being for some reason! What would these people say about me if I were to die tomorrow I wonder? These people who could give two farts about me on any given day? It is soul crushing to feel so alone because I'm not this, that or black enough. Ugh, how scummy must I appear to these people, my so-called fellow human beings? If any of those people needed help tomorrow, I would give my all to do what I could, while those same people—especially mr. so-and-so—would probably set me on fire if they thought they could get away with it (and in this town they probably could).

Here I am trying to find a path toward healing, understanding, and love, and I keep coming back to stuff like this. I am certainly not thrilled by such inner turmoil and am troubled by not knowing when or how to get to a place where stuff like this doesn't bother me because I am okay with who I am enough to know that no real harm is meant by these people (or maybe I'm dreaming again). Days like this make me want to close up permanently. However I cannot help but revert to that childhood self that loves reaching for the stars and the heavens. Maybe my people (real non-shady, awesome people) are up there too. How to strengthen myself to the point where I can withstand the dangers of reaching is a mystery that is yet to be solved.