Institutional Turmoil

“It is the mind in us that yields to the laws made by us, but never the spirit in us.”

--Kahlil Gibran

There is so much going on in my head lately. Much of it has to do with being a living contradiction within a living contradiction of a graduate program. Why is it that no one wants to discuss the reproduction taking place simultaneously with the critique and resistance of the status quo within which we reside? How can ideals of change, justice and betterment be professed and aspired to, when at the drop of a hat, the maintenance of oppressive structures are upheld and enforced on Others perceived to be a threat? What happened to conflict resolution; to understanding; to putting in the work that goes toward defying the status quo which means dealing with discomforting things, people, ideas? We talk of disruption as a powerful tool that leads to a multitude of possibilities in ways of being that are possible, yet treat those people, things, and ideas that disrupt as a problematics in need of reprimanding if not removal.

I am constantly struggling with finding my voice and expressing it with confidence. When I experience the turmoil of these contradictions taking place, I am bewildered. I thought the point of the academic endeavor was to become a self-actualized scholar, which meant journeying through the landscape of ideas and issues and emerging with the formulation of one's own voice and way of knowing and doing things. Yet I am a witness to the shaping power of our figure heads, and the reality that these people hold our lives and livelihoods in their hands. It is they who must sign the paper of approval. How can I think that I have the power to become when it has to meet the approval of the powers that be? Yet the powers that be behave as if they have no power; as though we are their colleagues; that is until we are either met with bureaucratic realities of things like coursework, exams, and other tests of measurement, or in need of usually negative sanctioning.

Must I always conform to what is inherently contradictory? I am clearly not okay with this yet feel as though, when attempting to articulate this inner turmoil, that it is the institution that is defended by way of the issue being made personal, rather than effectively examined with alternatives to be considered. The people with power are suddenly powerless to the workings of the institution and those that have a problem can either shape up and conform or just go away. Those that have been treated well by the institution have a hard time seeing things as troubling, reducing responses to critiques of it as a personal problem to be met with individualized solutions. And so the ways of institutionalization continue.  

But I don't want it to be this way! I want meaningful work and relationships to emerge from my journey. For the powerful to be transparent in their power yet open to alternatives to institutional ways of being.  For those around me and myself to be willing to work with and through the troubling for the sake of being all the better for it instead of silencing it. I want a mentor, friend, and collaborator, not just someone to defer to because of their position. I want to be okay with expressing what's in my soul without fear of being shut down. Challenge me, but not for the purpose of belittling. I am in need of much nurturing and realize that institutions don't hug back, but refuse to believe that those that have been institutionalized   have no humanity, no soul, no desire to make things different. It doesn't have to be this way. When will we let our spirits, knowing and feeling what is right, lead us? 

Feelings I'm Working through...

Being overwhelmed and overworked by what is ultimately the bs of academia makes it difficult to reassert my what my purpose is in being here. I want to do well by others through my work. Yet blow-ups with colleagues that have left festering wounds that make it impossible to make eye-contact, the departure of dear friends who keep me focused on my purpose, and not really knowing the right way to go on top of this make it difficult to know what steps to take. Now I'm taking on too much, making it hard to see clearly about any one thing. I want to be a friend, a good person people want to turn to, yet by asserting myself, have I burned bridges to friendship? I feel more alienated than ever when it comes to what I'm doing academically because I am unsure of the way to go, the way that allows me to go towards love of self and love of others through action. I don't want for anything to be too late when it comes to this but I can't help but wonder. It all feels like too much. And then I heard this song during a hot yoga session, a good articulation of the feelings I'm working through... a longing for all of this to work out...

Until next time...

The Usefulness of Clairvoyance

something that i've come to realize about being over-educated is the lack of value and space for any sort of spirituality. as an emergent critical thinker it makes sense to see how practicing any sort of religious or spiritual practice, because of how oppressive surrounding beliefs like christianity can be, ends up being ultimately frowned upon, especially by academics. it seems that any perceived connection to spiritual things should be thought of as bouts of craziness or otherwise flawed states of being.

my encounters with post-modern fiction have helped in my thinking regarding the problematics of this way of being, of ignoring this spiritual part of ourselves. initially, i thought of this spiritual connection as being communicated to by god in various ways. then, after engaging in buddhism, i thought of this as my connection to the god within myself and the universe, its strength dependent on how often i practiced. i would think of story lines that support this train of thought, which would often take the form of a future self communicating to my present self in an attempt to guide my steps (which could explain my paralyzing indecisiveness at times). 

either way, i think we've lost touch with this part of ourselves that might make our lives a bit more complete and perhaps allow us to act a bit more intelligently. i find myself wondering about this the most when i experience deja vu. before when i would experience this, i would simply shrug it off as some freaky occurence. in that last few years however, i have come to appreciate this and try to pay special attention to it when it happens. i've come to think of it as a sign that i am on the right path--whatever path that may be. i can never tell when it's going happen but can estimate a time range of when the dream occurred, which is anywhere from months to years before the moment of deja vu occurs. which reminds me of another thing i have come to value, extremely vivid or reoccurring dreams, ones i may not understand but they have a feeling  of being important that is associated with them. maybe in later posts i'll share a couple that i felt the need to make note of. in addition to dreams, i have come to value horoscopes, especially those that i find speak directly to me. i'll share a couple that i've come to dwell on in later posts as well. 

for now, i want to touch on the problematics of dismissing these spiritual aspects of ourselves. for one, we loose touch with our humanity that much sooner by only looking at things as logically as possible. it reminds me of a post i did regarding "full metal alchemist" in which i discuss the quest for greatness and the fatal flaw of that quest being the removal of seemingly damaged or useless aspects of ourselves, which leads to misunderstandings along our journey that cause us to fail at our quest. i think that in becoming overly educated and being dismissive of our spiritual sides, we end up doing something very similar and run the risk of failing at our pursuit or at least reaching an outcome that is a reflection of our mutilated selves (if that makes sense). 

the only times i felt a spiritual connection when doing something academically was when i came to understand little and great understanding among other elements of arts based research that elated me to the point of being convinced i was in love with what i was doing at the moment (it felt so wonderful to engage in understanding and knowledge in such soulful ways), and when i was drawing to replicate real-life objects. it was during this moment in particular that i felt like i was fellowshipping with what was around me. that i was truly trying to connect with the flower, or tree, or person i was attempting to draw (maybe i was connecting with them). i also was elated and rejoiced in this realization as to what i was doing.

 i think paying attention to these moments, be they dreams, spiritual awakenings, art or fill-in-the-blank, can teach us things about the world around us as well as ourselves and humanity in general. there was nothing like playing the cello, writing and doing poetry, praying the rosary, or listening to radiohead that could aid me in connecting to understanding my soul and my current cirumstances at the time (this was many years ago). in anchoring myself in these ways, i was able to survive a troubling time and not become completely numb to life in general. education has its place, but it tends to shut out these very useful aspects that help us connect to ourselves and others in ways that rational thinking and theory cannot do alone. i find myself yearning for these connections once more with other people and on a deeply spiritual level that defies, yet can work in conjunction with all that is thought to be rational.

thoughts?

until next time...

Why? Being wrong about something so volatile

I just finished reading Jazz by Toni Morrison and before talking to others and getting a clearer interpretation of it, I could not hold my tongue in disgust about the path some of the characters had taken towards growth and becoming. One of the major juxtapositions in this book (in my mind anyway) has to do with violence and love. I have always had trouble believing that from violent acts comes the potential for more loving acts, making violence a necessity in order for the emergence of love to be a possibility. Sure I've seen it happen. Non-violent movements are a testament to this idea.

 I cannot ignore the fact that from violence, lives and souls have been desecrated, destroyed, and brutalized by such senselessness. Sure, philosophers that discuss the movement of civilization toward 'rationality'(and the Enlightenment as a testament of that) say that such senselessness was necessary in order for us to be where we are today. But was/is is really necessary that Others be devastated by atrocities of the Dominant in order for the possibility of agency and subjectivity to arise? Did person/group a have to die or experience such violent acts in order for person/group b to become their subjective selves?Or for the possibility of others in group a to become their subjective selves? Should it really be considered that such things were done out of love? Or that love emerges from this?

Of course being on the receiving end of such acts has not helped with the trouble I've had and perhaps refusal in accepting this to be the case.

However, thanks to a friend another view of the violence/love juxtaposition is apparent (and I really need to read this book again). That of giving birth. Which brings forth the argument that what goes on with the characters of the book that took the needlessly violent route was meant as a cautionary tale. Considering one's becoming, instead, as the act of giving birth is one that conjoins the violence and pain brought on by the act and the emergence of love that results. Presumably the creation of this new life that is being given birth to is/was also an act of love.

I'll admit, it's difficult to see the emergence of agency/self-hood/subjectivity in this way; viewing a violent yet beautiful act, in such a positive light (which is easy enough to imagine having given birth) when the violent aspect is something one has been subjected to from external dominating forces (did that make any sense?). Maybe because my journey has been a painful one, filled with violence at times (as I'm certain Jazz points out  about its characters). The work of striving toward self-hood, toward the use of agency, toward becoming a subjective being is difficult because of this historical pain and violence. Overcoming this is also painful, and efforts to do so can and often are misguided and misinterpret what it means to overcome (something Jazz also points out rather well).

This is one of the many things I am trying to figure out on this journey. Having encountered such a powerful piece has shown me that I have a lot to learn about what I am trying to do for myself. Growth, understanding, becoming who I am meant to be without needlessly bring harm to others, all the while trying to become infused with love so I can act in loving ways, it's a tough task that can seem vague at times given the directions I've gone and continue to go. I cannot seem to get away from the fact that it's going to be painful and perhaps violent, but if I imagine this as part of the process of giving birth...well it will take a while for this point of view to become my own given my experiences, but I'm willing to learn, whatever that may mean. It's not the first time I've been wrong about how I understand something...

Until next time

Theme of current path of study

Lately, I've been thinking, reading, and writing about love (for example....). I've learned that self-love is important to being able to act lovingly towards others. When talking about love, I mean to abide by lenses provided by Erich Fromm (2000) and bell hooks (2000) on the matter. Specifically, that love is an action that involves care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge, which is aided by commitment, trust, and open honest communication. I've come to the temporary conclusion that in order to do this effectively, it is necessary to begin with self-love, which requires critical self-examination. How can I consider myself capable of acting out of love for others through my endeavors when I cannot do the same for myself? This is how I've arrived at the conclusion that acting confidently in and out of love requires that I am able to do this with myself first. But maybe this is a journey that makes acting on self-love and love of humanity simultaneously more possible than I realize. Or maybe it is a necessity that I treat my endeavors in this way.

In any case, I realize how estranged I am from myself--mind, body, and spirit--and how necessary it is to critically examine who I am and what guides my actions, good, bad, and everything in between. Acknowledging all aspects that make me who I am, I've determined, will allow me to comfortably do the same for others regardless of who they are. I am currently grappling with the more negative aspects of myself--the stuff I feel I could do without--and what it would mean to accept these things instead of reject and sever them from my being. After pondering about this in relation to Full Metal Alchemist (did I mention I love that show? Both of them?)  I know I should be intentional about accepting all of who I am and working with what I have, not matter how detestable my negative elements may seem. I'm still not sure if this means finding the positive in these not-so-desirable attributes but maybe accepting them is all that matters.

Wanting to recognize and accept this wholeness that is myself so that I can do the same for others brings me to this song, which I find to be about the desire for human connection be it with the self, with others, or with the self and others simultaneously.

At the moment, I find this song to be about opening up and transcending isolation by acknowledging those aspects that are essential to making us living human beings and all that implies (again, whether this occurs on an individual or group level).

(not the video I was going for  but it's the song that matters here!)

This is the kind of elation I feel when I connect with others in meaningful ways, and when I find those things, be it books, music, etc. that connect with something within myself. This is the type of elation I'd like to continue to encounter as I move forward.

Thoughts?
Recommended readings?

Well, until next time...

Theorizing love and "we are one"

***The following is from a message I wrote to a friend with whom I am discussing the book The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. I want to incorporate some of the ideas in this book into my research. Still figuring that out... Additions have been made to the original as continued pondering.***

The Holy Trinity and the meaning surrounding it...

Firstly,

Though we are familiar with biblical notions of the holy trinity being father son and holy ghost, there are other interpretations of this as well. For instance, there's father, mother, and child and body, mind, and spirit/soul. 

With each of these conceptions, I think about the role--or at least the potential for love to unify these entities which are often taken to be separate. 

This leads to my second thought,

When thinking about the notion that we are one, I think that this is the case because of the strong belief that we are God's creation. As such everything has an essence of God within, making us not that different from the people and things around us. We are all connected because of this. Understanding love to a fuller extent than we currently do should help us realize this connection and respond meaningfully to it. 

I think we do this on varying scales when we create through singing or making music, writing, doing art, playing (certain) sports.  I find that Catholicism and Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism through the practice of chanting are attempts at foraging this connection within ourselves with the intention of broadcasting this striving to other forces--all of which are inherently God-like. If we thought of ourselves as elements of God...hmmm...I just wonder about that. How would we act? Hopefully better... 

For now, we often think of ourselves and the components that make us who we are--mind, body, and spirit--as separate. Additionally, our characteristics are compartmentalized to the point where it can be difficult to think of the ways in which they are in fact unified within us. For instance, our positive and negative, masculine and feminine attributes, are often thought of as separate and often that one of each of these should be removed, ignored or simply eliminated.

The mistake in doing this is failure to recognize the value in each of these attributes and that these are what make us whole. The same goes for the connection between mind, body, and soul--as educated people we often are taught to neglect body and soul in favor of the mind, when it is important to view these facets of ourselves as valued and integral to our continued growth. Failure to do so creates the sense that something is missing and the longing to connect by accessing other faulty channels. 

What I continue to struggle with is accepting and making possible the unity between the positive and negative aspects of myself. I want so badly to do away with the negative side that plagues my being. I do not think it is good for me or others. It is difficult to imagine how this aspect and peacefully coincide with the other elements of myself. How can I think of my relationship with this brooding negative self differently than just being bad? I do want to be open to love yet cannot imagine how this can be done when so much negativity resides within...

In any case, our interaction with others is also affected by this paradigm of separation. We compartmentalize and thus marginalize and ignore others allowing for the potential to mistreat them to remain ever present. Fully actualized love allows us to think differently about this faulty separateness by demanding that we instead understand and perhaps embrace the other. This is the way toward loving one another. But we must be able to do this for ourselves as well.

By becoming competent in our understanding and practice of love for ourselves, we can then be able to comfortably practice with others effectively. It takes understanding, repetition, and practice--all of which takes time.

What do you think about all of this? 

Going on this journey of discovery, acceptance, and betterment is going to be difficult but it's about time I gave it an earnest try. It's still too easy to fall back on old ways of thought though...

Recommended reading:

The Art of Loving
Strength to Love
All About Love: New Visions

Well, until next time...

What Does It Mean to "Level Up"?

So, I just got done reading Level Up by Gene Luen Yang. Good stuff. I'll try not to give too much away. Got me to thinking however, about what I'm going to do when I finally 'grow up'. For those of us still searching for that answer, we hear and believe in the idea that we should do what makes us happy. Unfortunately for me, I haven't found that thing that I'm addicted to in a sense that is seemingly purposeful. For instance, I do not think eternally dancing to James Pants' sets could possibly translate into something meaningful--that and JP doesn't come to my neck of the woods nearly enough for dancing to be even thought of as a constant. I do enjoy competitive athletics, but the same applies in this situation too--and there also have been painfully few opportunities to be involved in any sort of athleticism since I began graduate school. 

For the most part, I've just been doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I am searching for what I love in the process (I might be on the right track with engaging in art and storytelling alongside my scholarship) but how to navigate these waters and still have promising career prospects is rather dubious. I wish for the connection between doing what I love and doing what is beneficial for humanity to become clear at some point. For now, I am not sure how to begin searching for this balance in trying to 'grow up' yet doing well for myself, my family and humanity. Or maybe I should be thinking about this differently. I'm not sure but it's something I'll be meditating on from time to time as I try to find my way. 

Any thoughts or guidance on this topic would be nice. Especially for those of you pondering similar things. 

Well, until next time...

Relationships

After a conversation with my Sis the other day, I figured I should attempt to better articulate my thoughts about relationships and how they function--or maybe how people within them function.

In any case, I found myself ranting about how ill-prepared individuals are for not only understanding what love is and how it works but how relationships based on faulty notions of love work. I am not speaking as an expert on love or relationships--my first post says as much--I am speaking as someone who has observed the hold individualism has on American culture (overly generalized I know). Despite our upbringings, as adults, especially newly independent ones, we understand--through interactions with one another, and especially media and marketing of products that project what the 'ideal' person should look like, do, dress and be like in general--what it means to live for ourselves. With no one to answer to, its easy to relish in this sense of 'freedom' and with it we understand that we don't have to compromise what we believe to be part of our identities--even though the people and situations we interact with  prove these identities are forever growing and changing.

It seems the only moments we are willing to compromise ourselves is in situations that we want to look 'good' in. A lot goes into looking good in relationships, especially at the beginning. Things are overlooked in our quest for acceptance and throughout a 'courtship' failure to be 'true' to oneself runs rampant. Once committed to this other person, love is often stereotyped as the magic elixir that will guide the way and make everything work out. Some even understand that work is involved in relationships--work in keeping it together. But for what purpose? And beyond initial commitment that 'true self' that has been neglected is longed for as situations that led to initial denials of self repeat themselves--which only leads to future insecurities and misery. On top of this, that sense of individuality has never really been abandoned despite the attempts at togetherness.

We never are taught what love is, how relationships should work or function, or our individual roles in making  future relationships a livable reality. We were never taught how to accept our true selves, how to truly accept others for who they are, how to live in intimate settings where the two can peacefully coincide without false understandings of compromise, and belief in 'no pain, no gain'.  (And maybe figuring out if it is worth committing to someone we truly do understand  to some extent--especially when it comes to deeply inherent flaws that might be near impossible to overcome?) Most importantly it seems, we have never learned how to live without the individualism that places ourselves at the center of our own universe. Or maybe its learning to balance out this sense of self with one that is adept at communalism as well (individualism shouldn't necessarily be demonized right?). Despite all of this, we are somehow expected to know how to flourish in relationships and the pressure to do so is great.

In any case, these sets of knowledge have all but been abandoned and replaced by faulty magical love--the kind of desire for instant gratification that seems so much a part of American culture at least. This is the real work that needs to be realized about relationships and our ability to really relate and coincide with one another.  Often it seems the weight and pressure that crumbles relationships is the weight surrounding the ignorance of these things. Not to mention not knowing  or being ourselves, operating under faulty masks of acceptance that was never there and other things all out of the greed that comes from wanting and continuing what is/was believed to be a wonderful occurrence--love.

What I have observed about relationships and love in this day and age, is that there is a lot that has not been acknowledged about them and is difficult to learn (how can you learn something that isn't and hasn't been spoken about in your--and other--lifetime(s)?).  As such relationships and love have been fused with consumerist and instantly gratifying ways of being that are part of a culture of individualism. These things happen and are maintained by magic. Efforts put into sustaining this magic are misunderstood and misplaced, never addressing the issues at hand.

At this rate, it seems if one were to actively engage in learning about these things, one wouldn't be ready to pursue a decent relationship until...well later than her/his 30s ( an exaggeration of course since I have no idea how long such a journey would take). As for me, like I might have mentioned in my first post, understanding myself, love, relationships and my choice of commitment is a personal journey I'm taking on solo. I have a lot to learn in each of the areas mentioned above, especially balancing out the desire for individualism with learning to live in a deeply communal sense. Personal issues abound as well since I did not have the best (in fact it was likely the worst) model to work from when it comes to understanding love, relationships and most of all, acceptance of self and others (since being highly critical in a negative sense was a skill I learned from the best, yet loathe to no end). Based on this and other posts, I should (and almost have  at times) run off my Mate long ago. Yeah, I have a lot I need to work out in trying to pursue a better self and relationship.

In any case, this is but a one, maybe two-dimensional way of looking at the workings and understandings of love and relationships. This and many of the other spouty posts aren't likely to be followed up by research that would add meaning or depth any time soon. As always, I am open to other angles left unexplored, unimagined and etcetera about this topic. Despite my tones of factual-ness (blasted academia!)  I have a lot to learn and think about in my journey towards becoming a better human being --something I have learned I cannot simply rely on others to bring about in myself.  I hope others have thoughts and experiences they would like to contribute nonetheless.  Is this a realistic take on love and relationships? What is missing? Too much negativity and cynicism? What are more positive outlooks? (Maybe I'll engage some of these questions in later posts who knows?)

Thanks again for 'listening'
Until next time...