Anniversary: Promises made, Few kept

It's been six years since I made a vow. To be patient, kind, understanding and committed. That I would be what love is. During this time, I'm not sure I followed through consistently on any of them except commitment. Entering in, I was naively optimistic that no matter what happened love would always be there guiding our way. Never had the thought crossed my mind that I had no idea of what love truly was, nor that in a variety of situations, I am neither patient, kind or understanding. My upbringing has a lot to do with that, so it's no wonder that the magic of love became little more than a myth that couldn't be lived up to on my end.

I tend to have a short temper about things both trivial and non-trivial, stubborn about what I think I'm right about and not very understanding about how my Mate views certain things. At the same time, I am reluctantly, yet overly compliant about a great many things--some of which I should have stood my ground on. Being "properly" assertive is not my strong suit and I am not skilled at "choosing my battles". This also makes me rather angry in that I tend to be wrong most of the time. Holding things in is a strong suit I mastered in childhood--when it was clear my thoughts and feelings did not matter. I have wrongfully carried this belief over to my relationship, although in some instances I do wonder.

However I have chosen to stand firm in commitment, regardless of the pitfalls that have occurred along the way. I do not know why. Initially, I figured I was in a situation where I could grow from the things my Mate could teach me, especially when it came to love, family, wisdom--things I figured were not strong in myself. I still have a lot to learn in these areas and now realize that this is something I must take on alone. Not to say that I am leaving but that these are things I have to figure out for myself. In doing so, I might be a better partner to my Mate. I also need to figure out myself and how to eliminate the negative pit that has been a long-standing remnant of childhood days.

Learning patience, understanding, freedom of expression and most of all love are things that have begun to occur to me as a highly necessary part of my journey. Doing so will make me a better person, partner and parent among the roles I must take on. Until then I will continue to struggle with doing my best with my Mate, appreciate him for putting up with me so far, and hope to someday be true to my vows.