“It is the mind in us that yields to
the laws made by us, but never the spirit in us.”
--Kahlil Gibran
There is so much going on in my head
lately. Much of it has to do with being a living contradiction within
a living contradiction of a graduate program. Why is it that no one
wants to discuss the reproduction taking place simultaneously with
the critique and resistance of the status quo within which we reside?
How can ideals of change, justice and betterment be professed and
aspired to, when at the drop of a hat, the maintenance of oppressive
structures are upheld and enforced on Others perceived to be a
threat? What happened to conflict resolution; to understanding; to
putting in the work that goes toward defying the status quo which
means dealing with discomforting things, people, ideas? We talk of
disruption as a powerful tool that leads to a multitude of
possibilities in ways of being that are possible, yet treat those
people, things, and ideas that disrupt as a problematics in need of
reprimanding if not removal.
I am constantly struggling with finding
my voice and expressing it with confidence. When I experience the
turmoil of these contradictions taking place, I am bewildered. I
thought the point of the academic endeavor was to become a
self-actualized scholar, which meant journeying through the landscape
of ideas and issues and emerging with the formulation of one's own
voice and way of knowing and doing things. Yet I am a witness to the
shaping power of our figure heads, and the reality that these people
hold our lives and livelihoods in their hands. It is they who must
sign the paper of approval. How can I think that I have the power to
become when it has to meet the approval of the powers that be? Yet
the powers that be behave as if they have no power; as though we are
their colleagues; that is until we are either met with bureaucratic
realities of things like coursework, exams, and other tests of
measurement, or in need of usually negative sanctioning.
Must I always conform to what is
inherently contradictory? I am clearly not okay with this yet feel
as though, when attempting to articulate this inner turmoil, that it
is the institution that is defended by way of the issue being made
personal, rather than effectively examined with alternatives to be
considered. The people with power are suddenly powerless to the
workings of the institution and those that have a problem can either
shape up and conform or just go away. Those that have been treated
well by the institution have a hard time seeing things as troubling,
reducing responses to critiques of it as a personal problem to be met
with individualized solutions. And so the ways of
institutionalization continue.
But I don't want it to be this way! I want meaningful work and relationships to emerge from my journey. For the powerful to be transparent in their power yet open to alternatives to institutional ways of being. For those around me and myself to be willing to work with and through the troubling for the sake of being all the better for it instead of silencing it. I want a mentor, friend, and collaborator, not just someone to defer to because of their position. I want to be okay with expressing what's in my soul without fear of being shut down. Challenge me, but not for the purpose of belittling. I am in need of much nurturing and realize that institutions don't hug back, but refuse to believe that those that have been institutionalized have no humanity, no soul, no desire to make things different. It doesn't have to be this way. When will we let our spirits, knowing and feeling what is right, lead us?
