Unwelcome visit from an old friend pt. 2: conference blues

after a visit in conference-land, my self-esteem plummeted to a familiar low.
i held a workshop oriented session that discussed love and social justice. i made sure to inform the participants that i was by no means an expert on anything and was basing the workshop on three books i read on the matter: The Art of Loving, All About Love, and Strength to Love. i'm not sure how well things went. there was positive affirmations from my friends, but the one individual from another university who did attend presented her card to one of my friends...a participant...and walked off.

the thing about this friend is that he is way smart, brilliant even. i tend to befriend people i admire for their positive vibes and smarts. i know i can learn something from them and grow with them as a result (i have yet to figure out what it is i give to such awesome people). any who, sensitivity set in and needless to say i began to have massive doubts.

with most (probably all) of the people i consider friends, i find myself to be not exactly their equal. in retrospect of hanging out with most of them, i see myself as the "ugly friend". not as smart, not as articulate, not as hip, not nearly as cool. from time to time a few will tell me what they see in me (not from prompting mind you) and i wonder why i can't see these things for myself.

what else could it mean that i am not acknowledged for the workshop given, but my friend is? yes, he made some good thought provoking points and does not hold back on positing an issue that implicates authority figures (we're both graduate students in the same program). like i said he's brilliant.

my purpose was not necessarily to be an expert on the areas of love and social justice, simply to facilitate discussion on what we know and a fragment of the literature that discusses love and social justice. in the end it seems that the pleasure in intellectual masturbation must be satisfied and i did not do it for this particular professor. cue song this moment reminds me of!

still i feel as though i'm always coming up short. why is it so important to be one of the cool kids? as much as my friend shies away from these modes of being, if he choose to, he could totally be in like flynn (whatever that means but you get the point i hope). i on the other hand would have to undergo a radical transformation for this to happen. this would include, being smarter than everyone, being cooler than everyone (which involves having traveled the world, being dressed to the nines, being a few degrees of separation from some celebrity, having a clique, having an air of awesomeness about me, charisma, beauty and grace, and impeccable timing and taste. the ability to go out with folks on a whim is a necessary facet as well.), and somehow just being plain worthy of acknowledgement whenever i speak. a previous post on the matter touches on why this isn't already the case. 

i don't know. affirmation is nice, but it would also be nice to be able to see what others claim to see. i just don't get it. here i am feeling like i'm in eternal high school, and i hated high school! that's why i did a high school/college credit program that allowed me to do community college--to hang out with adults who could care less about that stuff (the classes were pretty cool too). having a positive attitude only gets me so far when stuff like being excluded continually happens. makes me wonder if i left, if my absence would be noticed?

oh well, at least my son still likes hanging out with me, which makes me dread the teenage years.

when i feel this low, only one thing left to do, chant like crazy and reconnect myself and the universe around me. that and walk it off...hit it rj and aaron!

until next time...

Why? Being wrong about something so volatile

I just finished reading Jazz by Toni Morrison and before talking to others and getting a clearer interpretation of it, I could not hold my tongue in disgust about the path some of the characters had taken towards growth and becoming. One of the major juxtapositions in this book (in my mind anyway) has to do with violence and love. I have always had trouble believing that from violent acts comes the potential for more loving acts, making violence a necessity in order for the emergence of love to be a possibility. Sure I've seen it happen. Non-violent movements are a testament to this idea.

 I cannot ignore the fact that from violence, lives and souls have been desecrated, destroyed, and brutalized by such senselessness. Sure, philosophers that discuss the movement of civilization toward 'rationality'(and the Enlightenment as a testament of that) say that such senselessness was necessary in order for us to be where we are today. But was/is is really necessary that Others be devastated by atrocities of the Dominant in order for the possibility of agency and subjectivity to arise? Did person/group a have to die or experience such violent acts in order for person/group b to become their subjective selves?Or for the possibility of others in group a to become their subjective selves? Should it really be considered that such things were done out of love? Or that love emerges from this?

Of course being on the receiving end of such acts has not helped with the trouble I've had and perhaps refusal in accepting this to be the case.

However, thanks to a friend another view of the violence/love juxtaposition is apparent (and I really need to read this book again). That of giving birth. Which brings forth the argument that what goes on with the characters of the book that took the needlessly violent route was meant as a cautionary tale. Considering one's becoming, instead, as the act of giving birth is one that conjoins the violence and pain brought on by the act and the emergence of love that results. Presumably the creation of this new life that is being given birth to is/was also an act of love.

I'll admit, it's difficult to see the emergence of agency/self-hood/subjectivity in this way; viewing a violent yet beautiful act, in such a positive light (which is easy enough to imagine having given birth) when the violent aspect is something one has been subjected to from external dominating forces (did that make any sense?). Maybe because my journey has been a painful one, filled with violence at times (as I'm certain Jazz points out  about its characters). The work of striving toward self-hood, toward the use of agency, toward becoming a subjective being is difficult because of this historical pain and violence. Overcoming this is also painful, and efforts to do so can and often are misguided and misinterpret what it means to overcome (something Jazz also points out rather well).

This is one of the many things I am trying to figure out on this journey. Having encountered such a powerful piece has shown me that I have a lot to learn about what I am trying to do for myself. Growth, understanding, becoming who I am meant to be without needlessly bring harm to others, all the while trying to become infused with love so I can act in loving ways, it's a tough task that can seem vague at times given the directions I've gone and continue to go. I cannot seem to get away from the fact that it's going to be painful and perhaps violent, but if I imagine this as part of the process of giving birth...well it will take a while for this point of view to become my own given my experiences, but I'm willing to learn, whatever that may mean. It's not the first time I've been wrong about how I understand something...

Until next time

Unwelcome visit from an old friend

I was raised not to have a voice. Authoritarian conditioning made sure of this. I am therefore an awkward person at times. Unsure of what the right move is to make. Not sure that I am being taken seriously.

I have a speaking style and voice characterized as "funny". No wonder no one takes me seriously.

I was that kid in high school. The one that fit in nowhere. No one wanted anything to do with me if I wasn't fitting the mold cast by stereotypes and media images of "me". I was miserable, couldn't wait to leave home or high school. Can hardly seem to find a space where I am accepted as me; where I am taken seriously. Doesn't matter what I do to "earn" respect, because at the end of the day, I will be this short, mediocre, plain-looking, stony-faced person who talks funny. Always subject to humiliation at home and at school.

So picture me trying to be a teacher. I thought I was beyond this. Ready to become the person with little trace of these massive insecurities. Facilitating a class of kids barely out of high school. The high achievers. The underprivileged youth in need of a chance to "make it". This is their moment.

 So why are they acting like a bunch of entitled over-privileged spoiled kids that don't deserve sh*t? And why do I feel like the kid with negative 100 cool points angry for not being taken seriously?

I forget that I became an adult mentally as a child of 12, maybe younger. Knew how to navigate the adult world of saying and doing what those in power want  you to say and do in order to simply be left alone. Knew that power was coercive and violence was how respect was gained (knowledge that wasn't for me to obtain; simply to be aware of).   Knew that to be an adult meant being able to pay bills and thus keep a roof over my head. Survival was my area of expertise. Becoming a liberated being with a sense of freedom and empowerment was not a part of my programming.

 Coping with authoritarian styles meant having a cartoonishly violent imagination. Hypothesizing that all it would take for me to be validated as human being deserving of being taken seriously was a baseball bat to the kneecaps of those who thought otherwise. This type of joking goes well with Sis, who understands all too well my conditioning and resulting insecurities and also that I would never do such a thing in real life (thinking it is bad enough).

Overcoming such a mentality has been difficult; especially when it seems time and time again the humiliating ways of status quo norm enforcement remind me I do not belong or deserve to be taken seriously. A most recent incidence occurred in the "liberal" walls of academia in the "socially conscious" and "justice oriented" field of sociology.

In any case, I wonder how I can expect to be respected unless it's through coercion? This is not what I want of any position of leadership. In thinking that this is the only way to be treated decently, I know I am no different than my father and am justifying my upbringing as being warranted. I hate what that man has done to me in this respect. No matter how far I try to run situations like this have me confronting this deeply ingrained and hated aspect of myself.

 This is not who I want to be. It is certainly not who I am, for I am too weak to be such a person. But the fact that I am aware that this "persuasive" mode of power produces results in terms of being validated bothers the crap out of me. I don't want to become this person. I abhor this person and the system that produces and validates it. Love is not the end result of this type of exercise of power only fear and hatred.

I want to overcome this and be the loving and happy person that I aspire to be. A positive beacon to those around me; especially those that have gone without. I want to be a beacon of love in the work that I want to do. I want to give of myself and be empowered when doing so.

But when situations like the one I faced today occur--with people for whom I wish to be a positive beacon only to have them peel back hardened scar tissue--I find myself face to face with this old  hurt and angry friend with the cartoonishly violent imagination coping with humiliation and powerlessness (the one who seems to understand).

If I were to have a conversation with this "friend"  and the positive person I aspire to be about trying to transcend this sort of inward and outward oppression and my reaction to wounding experiences, it would (at the moment) sound like this song (which has so many different meanings for me depending on the weather it seems).

Thanks for "listening". Until next time...

What am I doing again?

For the first time in my long tenure of schooling, I saw that I may well be wasting my time with what could easily be described as bs (sorry but swearing is so unnatural for me). Graduate school has already been a trying journey for me and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier now that I've lost my way.

What I mean by this is interacting with scholars and scholarship that is utterly meaningless to my goal of addressing and changing social problems; especially those that deal (in one way or another) in oppression. I realize this aim is way too vague a way of saying I want to help people and that my scholarship and attaining this status of Ph.D. is the only way I can imagine of being of any real help. I want to find solutions to issues powerless individuals deal with, thereby being a barrier breaker or at least a bridge maker of sorts.

Throughout my travels in academia, I've made it a point to put to use (or at least try to) any sort of scholarship I came across towards this goal. My current academic endeavors (of witnessing the compartmentalization that comes with the 'creation' of a 'new' space of knowledge by way of theorizing how to track 'global' media culture a la the thingification of something or other in children's toy movies, thus making it difficult for someone to have agency over their experience of something that does nothing for people living lives that deal in/directly with inequalities ), and hanging out with people smart enough to see through the bs of these endeavors, has made me question myself and what I'm doing; and not in that reactionary way where my self-esteem has been challenged via humiliation.

How can I use these pockets of 'knowledge' that seem so useless to people? I wouldn't dare tell those close to me about these things I'm 'learning' because a huge who cares would be in their words and stares.  Nothing screams out the  frivolity of upper-class tendencies than participating in some of these conversations being had. I've never felt that way about my studies until now. I need to do something productive about this discomfort fast because I really do want my Ph.D. But I also want what I eventually do and what I am doing now to matter, or at least be a step in the right direction of realizing this goal. Silencing the experiences and struggles of the 'real' world by dwelling on how our fantasy worlds are constructed and exist seems a bit of a misguided step backwards for me.

I am in serious need of guidance right now.

Until next time....

Clouds and Over-coming

There was a moment I remember so vividly I wrote a poem about it. It was late fall, and I was embroiled in issues--most of them stemming from graduate school. This moment likely dictated the way I viewed the following scene.

Evening clouds from an earlier storm were like gray cotton in a darkening sky. The sun finally made an appearance, though it was mostly from under the clouds. It's light gave the clouds dark smoky coral highlights. It made the clouds look scary-beautiful. At the top of a hill I was walking, I saw the sun's rays beaming behind a set of clouds, lining its edges with a burning bright light. I finally understood the phrase "every cloud has a silver lining" upon seeing it.

I was so struck by this imagery that I could not help but eventually construct the following poem yet to be titled:

Every cloud is lined with a bright burning light

Showing us that the sun is there shining, waiting

The contours of the clouds show us their complexity

Shaping and being shaped by the elements—even the sun

Clouds serve as barriers to the sun and sky

Barriers like those that are socially constructed 

Giving off the appearance of stone

When they are nothing more than clouds

Shaping and being shaped

We know they cannot, do not block the sun forever

So too with barriers

Which is why we must

Keep reaching

--------------------------------------------------------------

I hope it's as inspirational to others as it has been for me.  

Until next time...

Relationships

After a conversation with my Sis the other day, I figured I should attempt to better articulate my thoughts about relationships and how they function--or maybe how people within them function.

In any case, I found myself ranting about how ill-prepared individuals are for not only understanding what love is and how it works but how relationships based on faulty notions of love work. I am not speaking as an expert on love or relationships--my first post says as much--I am speaking as someone who has observed the hold individualism has on American culture (overly generalized I know). Despite our upbringings, as adults, especially newly independent ones, we understand--through interactions with one another, and especially media and marketing of products that project what the 'ideal' person should look like, do, dress and be like in general--what it means to live for ourselves. With no one to answer to, its easy to relish in this sense of 'freedom' and with it we understand that we don't have to compromise what we believe to be part of our identities--even though the people and situations we interact with  prove these identities are forever growing and changing.

It seems the only moments we are willing to compromise ourselves is in situations that we want to look 'good' in. A lot goes into looking good in relationships, especially at the beginning. Things are overlooked in our quest for acceptance and throughout a 'courtship' failure to be 'true' to oneself runs rampant. Once committed to this other person, love is often stereotyped as the magic elixir that will guide the way and make everything work out. Some even understand that work is involved in relationships--work in keeping it together. But for what purpose? And beyond initial commitment that 'true self' that has been neglected is longed for as situations that led to initial denials of self repeat themselves--which only leads to future insecurities and misery. On top of this, that sense of individuality has never really been abandoned despite the attempts at togetherness.

We never are taught what love is, how relationships should work or function, or our individual roles in making  future relationships a livable reality. We were never taught how to accept our true selves, how to truly accept others for who they are, how to live in intimate settings where the two can peacefully coincide without false understandings of compromise, and belief in 'no pain, no gain'.  (And maybe figuring out if it is worth committing to someone we truly do understand  to some extent--especially when it comes to deeply inherent flaws that might be near impossible to overcome?) Most importantly it seems, we have never learned how to live without the individualism that places ourselves at the center of our own universe. Or maybe its learning to balance out this sense of self with one that is adept at communalism as well (individualism shouldn't necessarily be demonized right?). Despite all of this, we are somehow expected to know how to flourish in relationships and the pressure to do so is great.

In any case, these sets of knowledge have all but been abandoned and replaced by faulty magical love--the kind of desire for instant gratification that seems so much a part of American culture at least. This is the real work that needs to be realized about relationships and our ability to really relate and coincide with one another.  Often it seems the weight and pressure that crumbles relationships is the weight surrounding the ignorance of these things. Not to mention not knowing  or being ourselves, operating under faulty masks of acceptance that was never there and other things all out of the greed that comes from wanting and continuing what is/was believed to be a wonderful occurrence--love.

What I have observed about relationships and love in this day and age, is that there is a lot that has not been acknowledged about them and is difficult to learn (how can you learn something that isn't and hasn't been spoken about in your--and other--lifetime(s)?).  As such relationships and love have been fused with consumerist and instantly gratifying ways of being that are part of a culture of individualism. These things happen and are maintained by magic. Efforts put into sustaining this magic are misunderstood and misplaced, never addressing the issues at hand.

At this rate, it seems if one were to actively engage in learning about these things, one wouldn't be ready to pursue a decent relationship until...well later than her/his 30s ( an exaggeration of course since I have no idea how long such a journey would take). As for me, like I might have mentioned in my first post, understanding myself, love, relationships and my choice of commitment is a personal journey I'm taking on solo. I have a lot to learn in each of the areas mentioned above, especially balancing out the desire for individualism with learning to live in a deeply communal sense. Personal issues abound as well since I did not have the best (in fact it was likely the worst) model to work from when it comes to understanding love, relationships and most of all, acceptance of self and others (since being highly critical in a negative sense was a skill I learned from the best, yet loathe to no end). Based on this and other posts, I should (and almost have  at times) run off my Mate long ago. Yeah, I have a lot I need to work out in trying to pursue a better self and relationship.

In any case, this is but a one, maybe two-dimensional way of looking at the workings and understandings of love and relationships. This and many of the other spouty posts aren't likely to be followed up by research that would add meaning or depth any time soon. As always, I am open to other angles left unexplored, unimagined and etcetera about this topic. Despite my tones of factual-ness (blasted academia!)  I have a lot to learn and think about in my journey towards becoming a better human being --something I have learned I cannot simply rely on others to bring about in myself.  I hope others have thoughts and experiences they would like to contribute nonetheless.  Is this a realistic take on love and relationships? What is missing? Too much negativity and cynicism? What are more positive outlooks? (Maybe I'll engage some of these questions in later posts who knows?)

Thanks again for 'listening'
Until next time...

A summary of the last few posts

Most of the personal stuff I've been blathering on about, after much thought, can be summed up in a song--though not word for word. You'll get the idea I hope. I also hope to move on to other things personal but not so personal that it relates to no one else. Thanks for 'listening'!

 P.S. I like the live version because it's so heart on sleeve-tastic!

Later...

A Dichotomous Look at My Journey

What  I'm about to write I realize is a problematic way of looking at my life so far along with the potential my life has. At the moment, it makes sense that what has happened up to this point is viewed in this way. Maybe it has to do with my level of comfort with dichotomies that I hope to move beyond at some point. But when I think of all that has happened, my mind goes to this...

The cello is an instrument I adore. I played at one point and hope to pick it up again. For me its sound resembles the human voice, a human range of emotions, even the human soul. When I would play, I was often drawn to songs that emote on a sorrowful level. I identified with this sound and range of emotion as much as the cello did. This was (and still is to a degree) the sound that resided in my soul. Life was rather oppressive. There was little opportunity to openly emote true feelings and in general repercussions for getting 'out of line' (which wasn't well defined and quite arbitrary at that) were severe in my mind when it came to punishment. There was no sense of balance beyond sibling camaraderie and school, to the overbearing sense of discipline that guided our lives. It was hard to imagine there was any escape except in fantasy--which my siblings and I would play out from time to time when home alone.  Needless to say, I learned to master carrying around this sense of heavy often negative feelings with no outlet

The ukulele is an instrument I discovered well into adulthood and admired for its light heartedness that came with its sound. It is often described as an instrument of the heart. I identified with this instrument because it aligned with my desire to be a happier person. Its small frame and light body seemed welcoming to anyone willing to learn. Like the quest for inner happiness and peace, it takes practice and dedication (something I have yet to be 100 percent about which might say something about my own dedication to the path of inner peace and happiness). But its always there and sounding chipper  when I pick it up.  

In a way, I see the sharp difference between these two instruments as a reflection of the choices I've made in my life. Decisions that might have meant self denial of happiness, love, and living. As a child, the first major decision I made to live with my father instead of my mother. At the time it seemed like a practical decision, one that guaranteed  I would turn out a good person instead of reckless and possibly pregnant at 16--so my father would have me believe if I choose to go with her. In retrospect, it wouldn't have mattered what decision I made because the only one that would have been respected by my father, whom I was already living with, was to stay where I was. I learned this after my little brother made it known that he really wanted to live with mom repeatedly. A revelation I believe led to his increased abuse at my father's hand.

The second major decision I made was, once again, made out of duty to practicality. It was a decision to neither deny nor confirm that my father was overly abusive to my little brother. The practicality came into play upon the realization that either way, my sister and I would be going back home with our father, who would lay into us for saying the 'wrong' things (basically things that made him look bad). This came to pass but only in intensely verbally abusive ways, which meant I had to intensify my ability to hold things in.

In adulthood, I kept making these kinds of 'practical' choices that often meant a denial of happiness. The latest example coming from a willingness to stay with an oppressive situation in graduate school before being pushed into moving on to better things. All my life it seems that the 'practical' decisions and paths have also been wrought with oppression and despair...

I realize I'm rambling with my stories, only to say that I hope in seeking out a lighter, and happier path that I am not too late in my endeavors. That this path will, like my mother, still be willing to welcome me with open arms and an open heart. I want my heart and soul to take on the lightness of the ukulele, though I still find beauty and value in the humanity that is also a part of the cello.

This is a piece I did for an art final I have yet to title. Maybe something like Desires or Letting Go... It was done on a large sheet of paper with charcoal (my drawing arch nemesis).  It had to have a narrative surrounding it as well as a self-portrait of sorts. In a sense this piece is a reflection of my inability to articulate my ideas clearly. So here is an attempt to clarify this highly amateur work. So much for show and don't tell...

The foreground and background are meant as layers to a rather complex quest toward a desire towards peace and prosperity internally and externally. In the background, starting at the left, is a space filled with concrete and what is largely a socially constructed world that in its own way is quite 'natural' in the ways we live within it. Because I am in academia, I put in an artificial tree with papers for leaves. The road at its boundaries is asphalt. There is only one way to go about existence on this side. Unconsciously or in retrospect, this is a representation of living in a "left-brained" world. A world run by absolute logic and reason considered to be near infallible.

On the right there are living things--grass and flowers, a 'real' tree and a river serving as the boundary. This is meant to represent the other end of the spectrum and the opposite of absolute logic and reason. A place where creativity and emotion is allowed to thrive. Water representing the fluidity of consciousness and thought. A road with many possibilities for travel. An element where reality and fantasy can reside in realms like storytelling. Once more, in retrospect, a representation of living in a "right-brained" world.  The two 'roads' mimic one another, showing the dialectics of one informing the other.In the middle is a valley of tall grass meant to serve as negative space--a path that is the balance point between reason and fluidity. A space connecting the two modes of thought and being. Where both ways of thought coexist harmoniously. This is my illustration of what such a path--where there is appreciation for both modes of thinking and being--might look like. It is tough to imagine a more fitting representation despite the words of wisdom cautioning not to travel completely on one road and forsake the other (although it is more than tempting for me to want to cast aside the path and place of absolute reason at times). This is the road and place I would like to discover for myself,  a path and place of balance in thought, reasoning and being.

In the foreground is the self-portrait of my hands. They are bloodied and reaching. The object they are reaching for is the sun within which is a peony. This object is a representation of inner and outer peace and prosperity. For me this means doing well by others as well as myself. Working toward the betterment of humanity. Working toward peace, love and happiness as a focal point of my travels. Like the sun, it is out of reach and perhaps a naive and idealistic quest that is has a rather vague goal. I am unsure of what this type of endeavor looks like in a concrete manner since this journey is one that in some respects has been traveled and is heavily reliant on the path of reason, the path that has made sense to me. In other respects this--traveling along the path of reason--is not the case in that my desires are not concrete and perhaps unattainable--especially the betterment of humanity and doing something that helps others, let alone wanting to find inner peace, love , and happiness.

What has bloodied my hands is tin flower with jagged razor edges. This flower represents the beauty of ideals that have become rather painful and self-harming to hold on to. Adhering to authority figures because it  keeps one out of trouble and unquestioned obedience are examples of this. Adhering to tenets of logic and reason, though I've never fully understood them, has become quite painful and oppressive. Abiding by rules that are quite arbitrary in that not everyone has to in order to do well in their journey i.e working hard and reaping the benefits of one's labors, and the old adage, no pain, no gain. These are things that have resulted in much pain and misery yet are difficult to let go of because I've known nothing else and am afraid of being penalized or loosing my way.

I understand that in going for ones goals, hopes and dreams--striving fully--reaching out means letting go. Of  fear, pain of the past and present, and perhaps of control as well. It means leaving behind things I've learned, 'truths' that might no longer be relevant if I am to truly understand and strive for my goals. And perhaps it means trusting completely in myself.

I've been thinking a lot about my journey in dichotomies. Two extremes, either this or that, nothing in between. This has been the nature of my existence and it is hard to think beyond one or the other. This piece is a depiction of a desire to move away from that. To move toward a space with a great amount of possibility in thought and being. Maybe freedom is what I'm after.

Thanks for bearing with me on this.

Up next, a dichotomous way of expressing this desire but hopefully no less of a sense of liberation is attached.

Anniversary: Promises made, Few kept

It's been six years since I made a vow. To be patient, kind, understanding and committed. That I would be what love is. During this time, I'm not sure I followed through consistently on any of them except commitment. Entering in, I was naively optimistic that no matter what happened love would always be there guiding our way. Never had the thought crossed my mind that I had no idea of what love truly was, nor that in a variety of situations, I am neither patient, kind or understanding. My upbringing has a lot to do with that, so it's no wonder that the magic of love became little more than a myth that couldn't be lived up to on my end.

I tend to have a short temper about things both trivial and non-trivial, stubborn about what I think I'm right about and not very understanding about how my Mate views certain things. At the same time, I am reluctantly, yet overly compliant about a great many things--some of which I should have stood my ground on. Being "properly" assertive is not my strong suit and I am not skilled at "choosing my battles". This also makes me rather angry in that I tend to be wrong most of the time. Holding things in is a strong suit I mastered in childhood--when it was clear my thoughts and feelings did not matter. I have wrongfully carried this belief over to my relationship, although in some instances I do wonder.

However I have chosen to stand firm in commitment, regardless of the pitfalls that have occurred along the way. I do not know why. Initially, I figured I was in a situation where I could grow from the things my Mate could teach me, especially when it came to love, family, wisdom--things I figured were not strong in myself. I still have a lot to learn in these areas and now realize that this is something I must take on alone. Not to say that I am leaving but that these are things I have to figure out for myself. In doing so, I might be a better partner to my Mate. I also need to figure out myself and how to eliminate the negative pit that has been a long-standing remnant of childhood days.

Learning patience, understanding, freedom of expression and most of all love are things that have begun to occur to me as a highly necessary part of my journey. Doing so will make me a better person, partner and parent among the roles I must take on. Until then I will continue to struggle with doing my best with my Mate, appreciate him for putting up with me so far, and hope to someday be true to my vows.