What am I doing again?

For the first time in my long tenure of schooling, I saw that I may well be wasting my time with what could easily be described as bs (sorry but swearing is so unnatural for me). Graduate school has already been a trying journey for me and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier now that I've lost my way.

What I mean by this is interacting with scholars and scholarship that is utterly meaningless to my goal of addressing and changing social problems; especially those that deal (in one way or another) in oppression. I realize this aim is way too vague a way of saying I want to help people and that my scholarship and attaining this status of Ph.D. is the only way I can imagine of being of any real help. I want to find solutions to issues powerless individuals deal with, thereby being a barrier breaker or at least a bridge maker of sorts.

Throughout my travels in academia, I've made it a point to put to use (or at least try to) any sort of scholarship I came across towards this goal. My current academic endeavors (of witnessing the compartmentalization that comes with the 'creation' of a 'new' space of knowledge by way of theorizing how to track 'global' media culture a la the thingification of something or other in children's toy movies, thus making it difficult for someone to have agency over their experience of something that does nothing for people living lives that deal in/directly with inequalities ), and hanging out with people smart enough to see through the bs of these endeavors, has made me question myself and what I'm doing; and not in that reactionary way where my self-esteem has been challenged via humiliation.

How can I use these pockets of 'knowledge' that seem so useless to people? I wouldn't dare tell those close to me about these things I'm 'learning' because a huge who cares would be in their words and stares.  Nothing screams out the  frivolity of upper-class tendencies than participating in some of these conversations being had. I've never felt that way about my studies until now. I need to do something productive about this discomfort fast because I really do want my Ph.D. But I also want what I eventually do and what I am doing now to matter, or at least be a step in the right direction of realizing this goal. Silencing the experiences and struggles of the 'real' world by dwelling on how our fantasy worlds are constructed and exist seems a bit of a misguided step backwards for me.

I am in serious need of guidance right now.

Until next time....