Unwelcome visit from an old friend

I was raised not to have a voice. Authoritarian conditioning made sure of this. I am therefore an awkward person at times. Unsure of what the right move is to make. Not sure that I am being taken seriously.

I have a speaking style and voice characterized as "funny". No wonder no one takes me seriously.

I was that kid in high school. The one that fit in nowhere. No one wanted anything to do with me if I wasn't fitting the mold cast by stereotypes and media images of "me". I was miserable, couldn't wait to leave home or high school. Can hardly seem to find a space where I am accepted as me; where I am taken seriously. Doesn't matter what I do to "earn" respect, because at the end of the day, I will be this short, mediocre, plain-looking, stony-faced person who talks funny. Always subject to humiliation at home and at school.

So picture me trying to be a teacher. I thought I was beyond this. Ready to become the person with little trace of these massive insecurities. Facilitating a class of kids barely out of high school. The high achievers. The underprivileged youth in need of a chance to "make it". This is their moment.

 So why are they acting like a bunch of entitled over-privileged spoiled kids that don't deserve sh*t? And why do I feel like the kid with negative 100 cool points angry for not being taken seriously?

I forget that I became an adult mentally as a child of 12, maybe younger. Knew how to navigate the adult world of saying and doing what those in power want  you to say and do in order to simply be left alone. Knew that power was coercive and violence was how respect was gained (knowledge that wasn't for me to obtain; simply to be aware of).   Knew that to be an adult meant being able to pay bills and thus keep a roof over my head. Survival was my area of expertise. Becoming a liberated being with a sense of freedom and empowerment was not a part of my programming.

 Coping with authoritarian styles meant having a cartoonishly violent imagination. Hypothesizing that all it would take for me to be validated as human being deserving of being taken seriously was a baseball bat to the kneecaps of those who thought otherwise. This type of joking goes well with Sis, who understands all too well my conditioning and resulting insecurities and also that I would never do such a thing in real life (thinking it is bad enough).

Overcoming such a mentality has been difficult; especially when it seems time and time again the humiliating ways of status quo norm enforcement remind me I do not belong or deserve to be taken seriously. A most recent incidence occurred in the "liberal" walls of academia in the "socially conscious" and "justice oriented" field of sociology.

In any case, I wonder how I can expect to be respected unless it's through coercion? This is not what I want of any position of leadership. In thinking that this is the only way to be treated decently, I know I am no different than my father and am justifying my upbringing as being warranted. I hate what that man has done to me in this respect. No matter how far I try to run situations like this have me confronting this deeply ingrained and hated aspect of myself.

 This is not who I want to be. It is certainly not who I am, for I am too weak to be such a person. But the fact that I am aware that this "persuasive" mode of power produces results in terms of being validated bothers the crap out of me. I don't want to become this person. I abhor this person and the system that produces and validates it. Love is not the end result of this type of exercise of power only fear and hatred.

I want to overcome this and be the loving and happy person that I aspire to be. A positive beacon to those around me; especially those that have gone without. I want to be a beacon of love in the work that I want to do. I want to give of myself and be empowered when doing so.

But when situations like the one I faced today occur--with people for whom I wish to be a positive beacon only to have them peel back hardened scar tissue--I find myself face to face with this old  hurt and angry friend with the cartoonishly violent imagination coping with humiliation and powerlessness (the one who seems to understand).

If I were to have a conversation with this "friend"  and the positive person I aspire to be about trying to transcend this sort of inward and outward oppression and my reaction to wounding experiences, it would (at the moment) sound like this song (which has so many different meanings for me depending on the weather it seems).

Thanks for "listening". Until next time...

Re: Research Ideas: Comic Related pt. 2

So, yeah, I watched X-Men First Class this weekend and had my super cool research idea blown out of the water (cause it's already been thought about)! Oh well, so much for "original" research ideas. Some day I will strike research idea gold (does this occurring in my dreams count?).

Is it just me that thinks that fantasy oriented flicks re-writing all kinds of history is interesting in a problematic way? Especially if people take it seriously? Being so far removed from historical events re-imagined on film doesn't help matters any.

There I go again problematizing things that shouldn't matter. When will I learn?!

Until next time...

What am I doing again?

For the first time in my long tenure of schooling, I saw that I may well be wasting my time with what could easily be described as bs (sorry but swearing is so unnatural for me). Graduate school has already been a trying journey for me and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier now that I've lost my way.

What I mean by this is interacting with scholars and scholarship that is utterly meaningless to my goal of addressing and changing social problems; especially those that deal (in one way or another) in oppression. I realize this aim is way too vague a way of saying I want to help people and that my scholarship and attaining this status of Ph.D. is the only way I can imagine of being of any real help. I want to find solutions to issues powerless individuals deal with, thereby being a barrier breaker or at least a bridge maker of sorts.

Throughout my travels in academia, I've made it a point to put to use (or at least try to) any sort of scholarship I came across towards this goal. My current academic endeavors (of witnessing the compartmentalization that comes with the 'creation' of a 'new' space of knowledge by way of theorizing how to track 'global' media culture a la the thingification of something or other in children's toy movies, thus making it difficult for someone to have agency over their experience of something that does nothing for people living lives that deal in/directly with inequalities ), and hanging out with people smart enough to see through the bs of these endeavors, has made me question myself and what I'm doing; and not in that reactionary way where my self-esteem has been challenged via humiliation.

How can I use these pockets of 'knowledge' that seem so useless to people? I wouldn't dare tell those close to me about these things I'm 'learning' because a huge who cares would be in their words and stares.  Nothing screams out the  frivolity of upper-class tendencies than participating in some of these conversations being had. I've never felt that way about my studies until now. I need to do something productive about this discomfort fast because I really do want my Ph.D. But I also want what I eventually do and what I am doing now to matter, or at least be a step in the right direction of realizing this goal. Silencing the experiences and struggles of the 'real' world by dwelling on how our fantasy worlds are constructed and exist seems a bit of a misguided step backwards for me.

I am in serious need of guidance right now.

Until next time....

Re: Drinkin'

So, a while ago I revealed my general dislike for most alcoholic beverages except the really sweet ones. I might have even mentioned that if Ocean Spray decided to make alcohol, however, that I might be in trouble when it comes to becoming an alcoholic (jokingly of course because I generally exercise good judgement). Well, thanks to Really Cool Guy, that moment has arrived. You see, he introduced me to a drink called Lambic. Here's one explanation for it. I have another one: magic. Never did I expect to find a beer that tastes so wonderful! My favorite flavors are frambois (raspberry) and peach. Finally, a drink that matches my preferred outlook on life (or at least what it could be)-- sweet, good, and generally pleasant. Those of you who are opposed to bitter alcoholic beverages like me must taste to believe! Really, it's like happiness in a bottle (you can see me smiling just thinking about it)!

That's all for now.

Until next time...

Full Metal Alchemist ponderings pt. 3: The Quest for Greatness

***Disclaimer: It's been more than a few months since I've seen this series. I might not be remembering things  as correctly as I should. Please, offer scrutiny but be kind about mis-stated events.***

To start off, I love the idea this show has communicated about alchemy; that it is the act of breaking something down to its elements and using those elements to create something seemingly completely different...

So, after having dinner with a few friends, and speaking with one who had seen the show with her children, I was thrown back into pondering aspects of the show that seemed poignant. When this "Wannabe Nerd" (according to her child the "Real Nerd") started speaking about the role of the homunculi as the seven deadly sins, I was reminded once more of my love for this show.

You see the character "Father" is an artificial being, a homunculus who takes on human qualities after making contact with human blood. "Father" is a brilliant being, even before taking on physical qualities of "humanity". Despite "his" brilliance, "Father" quests for the status of Godliness--going so far as to consume it--and believes that doing so requires the purging of "his" flaws; from which the homunculi--each carrying the name and quality of  one of the seven deadly sins--are "created".

This purging, however, proved to be "Father's" downfall since "he" failed to acknowledge that these "flaws" are what make "him" whole and are thus necessary components of "his" being. The  status of deity could never be realized because "Father" never saw "himself"--as "he" was originally--as great. "Father" only noticed "flaws" and while purging "himself" of them, neglected to realize that "his" quest was one that was saturated by these very "flaws" "he" chose to deny about "himself". Apologies for the redundance and/or lack of clarity.

All of this makes me wonder about who our "Fathers" are in our lives or society? These artificial beings or entities on a quest for perfection--even God-like status--but wrought with unacknowledged contradictions. Entities ultimately responsible for the loss of billions of lives because of this quest (it was "Father" who had the knowledge of how to create a philosopher's stone and used others to help "him" bring it to reality). Entities that attempt to rid themselves of perceived flaws that are actually necessary aspects of their beings.

For me these artificial beings--or homunculi--take many forms: religions, knowledge, progress, myths, other social constructions... Social things that might not have started off as evil in their intentions but because of the lack of inward recognition of what makes them whole, became oppressive and therefore evil.

Inside of ourselves even, we are taught to purge ourselves of "flaws" because they limit us, when perhaps it is the act of doing this that is limiting in its counterproductivity. Why not understand these aspects of ourselves and our worlds since they are what make us whole?

I think of the idea stated about alchemy stated earlier and think about how we try to do this with ourselves; trying to create a greater element, a greater person or world, but when the essential elements--things we might not realize are essential--are taken out of the mix, how can it be expected that the result will be "golden" when those key ingredients have been taken out? It should be expected that nothing short of disaster  results in not valuing what was already there.

So in seeing ourselves as we are, and seeing the greatness in that, we are acknowledging our Godliness though we appear not to be in that form? Perhaps that's what I've taken from this aspect of the show. If lead can be turned to gold--assuming the same elemental ingredients are involved--we should see ourselves as beings that possess similar qualities right? This then confuses me when it comes to the concept of equivalent exchange--which is a concept that is scrutinized yet valued when it comes to Ed giving up a part of himself for his brother Al (and others along the way). Ah I'm not exactly sure how this fits into my musing. Maybe it doesn't.

Well now all I need to do is figure out what this looks like for myself and how I engage my social worlds...
What would it look like for you?

Thoughts are welcome and appreciated as usual.

Until next time...

Slowing Down

Well, after today, I will be slowing down on the posting front. School's a comin' and I've got to get ready. Once school starts things will really be slow. I will continue to see this blog as a space to articulate and digest any thoughts and happenings that occur throughout my journey. Until then, I continue to look forward to any connections, insights and general feedback or conversation about anything posted or un-posted.

Take it easy and be well...

Areas of Study

As a graduate student, I feel the mounting pressures of trying to pigeon-hole myself in a way only academics can; by claiming areas of 'expertise'. What do I want to become somewhat fluent in? I've been thinking about this lately and have yet to come up with definitive answers. Instead I've come up with more worries, chief among them being claiming expertise in an area that is rather obscure from an academic's perspective.

What I would like to be able to do is use my education and 'expertise' to serve as a bridge for those--be they in higher education or some other professional realm--in need of assistance with overcoming obstacles seen and unseen. I want to help individuals, especially underrepresented ones, navigate these realms successfully. I want to also challenge and disrupt the status quo of the institutions and underlying structures that make it difficult for certain populations to succeed. Making change to these things would make it easier for others to thrive where they otherwise wouldn't (or at least that's what the idealist in me would like to think).

How does this translate when it comes 'claiming' an area of expertise? What does this mean I want to do? All I know is that I would like to work towards the betterment of humanity in general, but I don't know where that fits me academically. In addition I would love to infuse these desires with art, be it through photography, film, painting, drawing, graphic novels...I enjoy telling the stories of others as well as the stories dwelling within myself. I think it helps us understand who we are and reminds us of what we are capable of--for better or for worse. In fact I was hoping for part of my dissertation to be a documentary.

Today I met a gentleman who got a interdisciplinary Ph.D. in political science, criminal justice and fine art. How cool is that? Part of his dissertation was doing a series of paintings. His defense involved his committee and others exploring the integration of the three areas in his project. I want to be able to do something like this. Something that calls to me, yet is beneficial to others as well. I only hope to be so lucky as to find a space like this. Still, I don't know where to fit myself in...

Oh well. Until next time...