Friday, June 12, 2015

R. Dolezal : Black womanhood and legitimacy or I have issues

Side note on the current topic of Rachel:
Do I have to scream from the rooftops that I am/continue to aim to be an ally? Apparently so if I am to be taken seriously. But I’d rather not. If my actions—which are small and do not involve the spotlight—do not speak for themselves then I have work to do, obviously. Being a black woman in this day and age unfortunately has meant a controlled state of pain and rage are part of my many undercurrents. I wish I could be at peace and happy on the regular. Seeing and knowing that we/I still do not qualify for many of the things lighter/white skinned folks take for granted makes it hard as hell. I long for the day when I do not have to wonder about being taken seriously; makes me wonder if I can ever really succeed in life. I ache for a reality where being treated with respect and dignity without justification is a norm. As such I am a work in progress. I put up with what I have to. My refusal to put up with anything more shouldn’t disqualify me from being treated like you would want to be treated. Being in such negative thought spaces is tiresome. Yet acceptance continues to be hard to come by, so imagine what it must be like internally. I long to no longer have to wonder, what is it about me that makes me so undesirable in their scrutiny of me? The fact that I must continue to be hyper-aware of my every action makes it hard to live simply sometimes. Of course  I am no angel—I was disqualified the moment I was born, but because I have to over-analyze everything I do, I am pretty sure of myself when I find myself asking What did I do to you to deserve this? Usually it’s some kind of refusal I’ve engaged in: not holding my tongue, not agreeing with your argument, wanting to assert my confidence in certain matters, stubborn pride—all my fault to be sure. This is my experience with black womanhood at the moment.

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