Friday, March 6, 2015

dating is weird

All of this is a result of talking with a friend who is back on the dating scene after 10ish years. We both began our respective relationships in our late teens and therefore never really dated. We are both transitioning out of that in our own ways. So we conversed about that and the awkwardness that ensues...

I have come to a resting place of viewing dating as an unnatural and therefore socially painful phenomenon rooted in an economic legacy. It is therefore an interesting space where people go around with invisible checklists assessing one another on their compatibility. On top of all that there are rules accompanied with a reward system. Worst of all, the expectation is that it has to be going somewhere, usually marriage. Aziz Ansari's take on the marriage proposal comes to mind here.

We ended up comparing this space to friendship space and made a discovery as to why experiences of dating and romantic relations can ultimately end up being doomed to failure whereas friendship experiences hardly carry that stigma. What he said was something to the effect of comparing relating to a person that is our friend to relating to an object of romantic interest. An object.  An object we hope to possess. An object we place rules and expectations on. An object we reward with affection and punish in a variety of ways when they do not match up on our norms, values, and overall expectations. We effectively remove a good deal of their personhood the moment they become an object of romantic interest. Tragic.

We don't do that with friends. We don't do any of that stuff which allows for their beautiful humanity to be maintained and respected. Friend spaces are therefore more awesome and desirable. How can the romantic space be flipped so that it is more of a friend space? Unfortunately, the vulnerability and potential for rejection and therefore pain on both ends that is also attached to romantic spaces makes this possibility seem impossible.

So, where do we go from here? Being out of the loop, we notice that the act of dating is quite strange. Why not enjoy one another's company and time together without all of the other societal baggage? Where is there room for compassionate responses, for total and unconditional acceptance and love here? Can it be that the legacy of being an economic arrangement has forever tainted romantic spaces; the reason why we check those boxes in our mind (i.e. favorite color, favorite movie, career goals)? No wonder dating appears alienating to the extent that we want out. Spaces of unconditional acceptance of one's person hood and therefore lack of possession? That's what friends are for.  

Resting spot of the moment: Opting out of dating. It's just too weird and kind of oppressive so why bother? Freedom from such constraints is clearly the better option. One that inspires happiness, joy, acceptance of self and others--one that essentially allows us to live in peace. Besides, I coudn't help but point out that all the people in my life who appear to be free (as in not constrained by bogus societal norms like media consumption, masculinity, femininity, and are therefore truly themselves) are so bad-ass! So yeah, be free friends.  At least that's my take on the conversation. 

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