I find I am in a continual state of recovery. Recovery from enacting the negativity that seems so much a part of my being. Even as I reconnect with the practice of meditation and prayer in addition to reconnecting with the ideas that come from The Four Agreements, All About Love, The Strength to Love and The Gifts of Imperfection with The Road Less Traveled following close behind, I find myself tripping up and leaving pain, heartache and disappointment in my wake.
As of late, I have become more aware and mindful of when this occurs, which I have been told means I am one step closer to truly disrupting the patterns of the unwelcome yet old friend--which maybe closely associated if not in all actuality pride itself. Still, as aware as I have become about these damaging aspects of myself, I wonder about on the one hand becoming the person I want to be and on the other, accepting who I am and loving myself unconditionally--pride included.
The person I want to be is loving in an unconditional manner, subsequently unfazed by situations that would otherwise call out the unwelcome old friend, a healer in all she does, a positive presence in the lives of others along with herself, happier, of a tough mind yet soft heart (see The Strength to Love for more on that), and generally at peace with herself. The books mentioned earlier do pretty well with helping me contemplate these things. A large gap in my understanding and effective actualization of these things I think has to do with not fully comprehending and being aware of who I truly am.
This begs the question of what it would mean to truly accept myself for who I am. In thinking about stories like The Iron Giant (awesome movie) I would like to think I am who I choose to be, but in accepting who I am, which has a good deal to do with embracing(?) the unwelcome old friend, does this mean I, in treating this "friend" as unwelcome, am really setting myself up for continual misunderstanding because of an actual lack of acceptance? Does that make any sense?
It reminds me of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood (awesome series) where I might be stumbling on my quest for internalized greatness, which could readily be expressed externally, by way of attempting to purge what is essential to my whole self--old friend/pride(?) included and the quest at large. The unwelcome old friend is part of who I am but I want to be something more. I fear I might be mistaking my growth process as one where I cut this facet off or turn away from it rather than acknowledge and accept it with loving arms as I continue.
I want to believe self-definition and spiritual growth is possible, but I don't want it to be at the cost of denying or simply purging myself of the very thing that our godliness consists of, the less than savory or desirable things. I realize this judgment is less than compassionate, which means my task really lies in figuring out how to treat this self with compassion while working on becoming who I want to be. What I want to be able to do is enact this: I don't have to be negative in my response to triggers which I am troubled by so I won't (see The Iron Giant); I will find another way to respond. Is this the compassionate response; one of self-love, self-acceptance, and the growth which I am seeking?
Side-note: Sis shared with me criticisms of "Western" modes of mental health and healing that are inherently isolationist that come from people from African countries. Their answer, healing in communal loving spaces that celebrate through singing, dancing, and general engagement with one another. I experience the healing power of this approach when I simply get together with familial folks, close friends, and my family. These are people who model the kinds of attributes I desire to adopt, with acceptance of what others would perceive as flaws among themselves and others, being part of the interactions I have with them. It reminds me of how I consider myself a student for life and why; my teachers are everywhere! Even the ones I hurt with my negativity. I want to grow up to be them. I think there is something to mental health and healing being just as much a matter of being connected and in-tune with people and how they celebrate life and living as being in isolation through counseling and/or meditation. It is the communal loving spaces and interactions where I thrive.
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