Feelings I'm Working through...

Being overwhelmed and overworked by what is ultimately the bs of academia makes it difficult to reassert my what my purpose is in being here. I want to do well by others through my work. Yet blow-ups with colleagues that have left festering wounds that make it impossible to make eye-contact, the departure of dear friends who keep me focused on my purpose, and not really knowing the right way to go on top of this make it difficult to know what steps to take. Now I'm taking on too much, making it hard to see clearly about any one thing. I want to be a friend, a good person people want to turn to, yet by asserting myself, have I burned bridges to friendship? I feel more alienated than ever when it comes to what I'm doing academically because I am unsure of the way to go, the way that allows me to go towards love of self and love of others through action. I don't want for anything to be too late when it comes to this but I can't help but wonder. It all feels like too much. And then I heard this song during a hot yoga session, a good articulation of the feelings I'm working through... a longing for all of this to work out...

Until next time...

My Take on this year's ASA conference

Are sociologists capable of imagining, let alone, enacting real utopias? If I'm asking this question, then I clearly had some issues with this year's ASA ( or the American Sociological Association) conference.

As a scholar, I have always been interested in aspects of our social world that keep various inequalities in tact. Over the years I have enjoyed being able to put a name and understanding to things I have experienced and continue to experience throughout my life.

Lately I have changed direction towards being able to understand what it would take to work through and engage issues like those concerning inequality and especially exclusion, the phenomena that keep these things in place, and movement toward transcending these things. In the end I care about movement toward our mental and spiritual growth as a people things that should allow for equality to occur in various social settings, because we are purposefully doing right by others. The paper I presented addresses love as a key component in this process.

Yet on a bare bones level, it seems this community of scholars, most of whom study the problematic aspects of our society, could hardly stand to engage the topic at hand, that of Real Utopias. Being a newcomer to a conference of this scale (I had previously attended the Pacific Sociological Association conference a couple of years ago), I had no idea the atmosphere would be so alienating! Because of dorky name-tags (yeah I said it, those things were awful) that gave away our names and affiliation, no one even had to make an effort to introduce themselves to one another.  What more could anyone possibly want to know about each other? After witnessing a moment of non-name-tag wearing rebellion from a respectable former colleague, I quickly abandoned my own (which might have possibly made me even more invisible to conference-goers).

 If utopia for sociologists is not having to take the time to meet fellow members of their "community" from across the globe, then this place must have been heaven for them! I was quite purposeful in attempts to make eye-contact as a means of gauging the possibility of introducing myself. Not one sociologist would take me up on this outside of a session of some sort. Even within sessions or at receptions, no one was interested in anything more than a brief exchange of ideas about a particular subject. No, "Hey, you want join me/us for coffee later at x?" Or "Hey let's exchange numbers and we can contact one another if dinner plans develop." The possibility did not appear to be an option for anyone except the people I already knew (and even those guys hardly seemed interested in keeping company with me).

At the PSAs a few years ago, not only did these things happen with new acquaintances, but we ended the final night of the conference creating our own soul-train line at some Arabic-themed club our little mob happened to stumble upon in our exploration of the area. All of this among relative strangers!

At the ASAs, to use trekked-out terminology, people were on red-alert and shields were up at maximum strength, or perhaps yellow-alert, shields up at maximum, and engaging in evasive maneuvers. Utopia indeed! The only thing remotely utopian about the conference atmosphere was that people seemed a bit adventurous about what they wore to the conference proceedings, something I have no problem challenging on a regular basis (I stand firm on my policy of going no where near heels or uncomfortable shoes of any kind. So far my Converses work just fine).

Additionally, because of a hotel snafu (no one on either the ASA site or the Cheap o Air site bothered to mention there were two Crowne Royal Plaza hotel locations) I was lugging my suitcase about while waiting for my friend to get us into our hotel. Because it had been done before by friends at other conferences, I had no problem asking first, the registration desk and then someone in the ASA offices a floor up, to allow me to leave my suitcase while I walked about the convention center and wait for my friend to arrive. To my dismay, not only was the answer no, but at the ASA office, hands were thrown up while it was explained to me that in no way could this person be held responsible for a suitcase 'cause what if someone walked off with it? In the ASA office? Who would go up there with that in mind?Are you serious?

That's when it hit me. The issue with this conference, and the realization that comes with knowing that the bulk of the sociologists at this conference are the last people one could count on to imagine and make utopia of any sort a reality, is that none of these individuals wants to take on the responsibility. To be responsive to the needs and concerns of others? To actually go out of their way to demonstrate the care, concern, and respect they claim to have for others? Of course the first response would be to throw-up hands and instantly absolve oneself of responsibility. To actually meet someone that is a part of the community they participate in, someone completely different from themselves, someone new? Impossible when your name and affiliation are already on display.

Interesting that a couple of Canadians saw the opposite of what I saw, that Americans were so friendly and open. Maybe skin tone had something to do with that. Even sociologists of color seemed to refuse my invitation of introduction. But knowing that folks of color are just as capable of accepting and reinforcing stereotypes about ourselves makes this no surprise.

One bright spot in all of this is that I did find two people who accepted my invitation of introductions. These individuals were non-sociologists and people of color who had no problem with me trying to get to know them and were more than okay with telling me snippets of their stories and experiences in Denver. I also got to hang out, walk about and explore the area with two awesome friends.

Well, next year it's back to business as usual for the ASAs with the theme "Interrogating Inequality: Linking Micro and Macro". Wait, isn't something sociologists already do? Enough of the presentations for this year's conference were certainly indicative of this theme. Maybe those were presentations from the future.

Until next time y'all!

The Usefulness of Clairvoyance

something that i've come to realize about being over-educated is the lack of value and space for any sort of spirituality. as an emergent critical thinker it makes sense to see how practicing any sort of religious or spiritual practice, because of how oppressive surrounding beliefs like christianity can be, ends up being ultimately frowned upon, especially by academics. it seems that any perceived connection to spiritual things should be thought of as bouts of craziness or otherwise flawed states of being.

my encounters with post-modern fiction have helped in my thinking regarding the problematics of this way of being, of ignoring this spiritual part of ourselves. initially, i thought of this spiritual connection as being communicated to by god in various ways. then, after engaging in buddhism, i thought of this as my connection to the god within myself and the universe, its strength dependent on how often i practiced. i would think of story lines that support this train of thought, which would often take the form of a future self communicating to my present self in an attempt to guide my steps (which could explain my paralyzing indecisiveness at times). 

either way, i think we've lost touch with this part of ourselves that might make our lives a bit more complete and perhaps allow us to act a bit more intelligently. i find myself wondering about this the most when i experience deja vu. before when i would experience this, i would simply shrug it off as some freaky occurence. in that last few years however, i have come to appreciate this and try to pay special attention to it when it happens. i've come to think of it as a sign that i am on the right path--whatever path that may be. i can never tell when it's going happen but can estimate a time range of when the dream occurred, which is anywhere from months to years before the moment of deja vu occurs. which reminds me of another thing i have come to value, extremely vivid or reoccurring dreams, ones i may not understand but they have a feeling  of being important that is associated with them. maybe in later posts i'll share a couple that i felt the need to make note of. in addition to dreams, i have come to value horoscopes, especially those that i find speak directly to me. i'll share a couple that i've come to dwell on in later posts as well. 

for now, i want to touch on the problematics of dismissing these spiritual aspects of ourselves. for one, we loose touch with our humanity that much sooner by only looking at things as logically as possible. it reminds me of a post i did regarding "full metal alchemist" in which i discuss the quest for greatness and the fatal flaw of that quest being the removal of seemingly damaged or useless aspects of ourselves, which leads to misunderstandings along our journey that cause us to fail at our quest. i think that in becoming overly educated and being dismissive of our spiritual sides, we end up doing something very similar and run the risk of failing at our pursuit or at least reaching an outcome that is a reflection of our mutilated selves (if that makes sense). 

the only times i felt a spiritual connection when doing something academically was when i came to understand little and great understanding among other elements of arts based research that elated me to the point of being convinced i was in love with what i was doing at the moment (it felt so wonderful to engage in understanding and knowledge in such soulful ways), and when i was drawing to replicate real-life objects. it was during this moment in particular that i felt like i was fellowshipping with what was around me. that i was truly trying to connect with the flower, or tree, or person i was attempting to draw (maybe i was connecting with them). i also was elated and rejoiced in this realization as to what i was doing.

 i think paying attention to these moments, be they dreams, spiritual awakenings, art or fill-in-the-blank, can teach us things about the world around us as well as ourselves and humanity in general. there was nothing like playing the cello, writing and doing poetry, praying the rosary, or listening to radiohead that could aid me in connecting to understanding my soul and my current cirumstances at the time (this was many years ago). in anchoring myself in these ways, i was able to survive a troubling time and not become completely numb to life in general. education has its place, but it tends to shut out these very useful aspects that help us connect to ourselves and others in ways that rational thinking and theory cannot do alone. i find myself yearning for these connections once more with other people and on a deeply spiritual level that defies, yet can work in conjunction with all that is thought to be rational.

thoughts?

until next time...

Forgiveness

i'm not quite there yet. not sure if i ever will be.
i realized this today when talking to sis about the man i dread becoming because he is very much a part of me. what he did still serves as a barrier to any possibility of being able to relate to him as an adult. i still feel like a docile child around him. he did a good job of making sure i was docile, incapable of standing up for myself, my siblings, my mother. he contends he did nothing wrong. still manipulative. twisting truths to suit his vision best. how can i reconcile with such ugliness? pretend to get along with it? i abhor him. i abhor what i am because of how well he shaped me and my anger. the pit of black  that rests deep in my soul, my past and present. how can i avoid bringing it into my future? i want nothing more than to embrace and get along with it (or do i? should i?), with him. but he treats me the way he has for 18 years, and then i'm magically an adult that can relate to him as a friend? not a chance. i could never be real with him, he made sure we knew that. my inability to be myself freely (not that i know who that is) will always be a barrier not just to our relationship, but to my relationship with others. i am a master at walking on eggshells just to appease. i hate that it's either this or being him, which is unacceptable. i just want to be me and happy. but who can teach me these things when all i've learned is anything but?

no i am not ready to forgive him. i do not think this would change if he were to be on his deathbed the next day.

does this make me incapable of practicing what i want to preach? of love and acceptance? of great understanding?

how can i let go? how can i forget? his teachings are forever seared into my psyche and soul...

Books and Keeping Track of What I Read

So, in the last few months, I've read more fiction on a weekly basis than I think I ever have in my entire life. Who has time for fiction when academia is hounding you to read painfully boring stuff--and I mean wanting to spoon out my eyeballs and burn them so I have an excuse as to why I can't read, cause they couldn't have possibly published all those academic articles in braille right?

Any who, thanks to an American postmodern fiction class I took, I've finally had the chance to read stuff classified as academic that expanded on my thinking about certain things. The class was like a book club for academic nerds. I certainly was able to re-examine theories I came across previously through novels like Jazz by Toni Morrison, Neuromancer by William Gibson, Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston,  The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven  by Sherman Alexie, and Maus by Art Spiegelman (which I haven't touched since third grade).These are books I would not have touched otherwise and was glad I forced myself into a situation where I had to. Being able to think about things like identity formation and becoming,and the role of history, culture, environment etc., in all of this, through works of fiction of the most truthful sort, is a nice alternative to all theory all the time, which is at times the blandest way to encounter knowledge. Needless to say, I've enjoyed my time in the world of fiction almost as much as I enjoy my time watching thought-provoking anime/Japanese animated shows/movies. I now desire to communicate my findings in the world of theory in similar ways--except maybe in graphic novel form, and no not the academic ones that are actually paper tranquilizers with pictures.

It's been a while since I've read these books but the ideas communicated still pop up from time to time. I wonder how effective it would be to take notes from these novels, like I would my academic texts...Would I be academizing an artform and thus rendering it boring? Who knows, but I've gotta keep better track of what I read sand my mind isn't the most reliable place at the moment.

Oh yeah, so a friend of mine lent me a few books I consumed rather quickly and would like to incorporate into my understanding of love/ loving practice, becoming, and the place of violence in all of this. I'm still grappling with the necessity of violence in the process of becoming and rethinking what this means. The books are Parable of the Sower and Parable of the Talents by Octavia Butler. As with the previously mentioned novels and authors--except Spiegelman--I have never read any of her work but have always heard about how amazing she is and have now seen for myself. I enjoyed Parable of the Sower more (I don't know, it just seemed more impactful in its messaging) because it made me revisit my wanderings in attempting to understand alchemy--read The Alchemist  by Paulo Coelho a while back among other brief texts about alchemy and everything. Now I just have to revisit and synthesize everything in an attempt to come to my own understanding of all of this complicated stuff! But who has time for that? I've gotta learn some new learning software for a class I'm teaching in a few weeks!

For now I'll take what I can get. I kinda wish I had more friends who read cool books they could loan me, or at least had a suggestion or two. I really don't have time to but if it's juicy, I'll make time dammit! I mean fiction of course, and am beginning to favor postmodern styles more and more, which includes graphic novels too! Reminds me to include The Eternal Smile  by Gene Luen Yang  in my attempted synthesis. Good stuff.

So yeah, any suggestions for what to read that is related to anything mentioned here or elsewhere in this bloggy-blog is welcome. No guarantees I'll read it, but will try if you really want me to. I also wish I could discuss these books with someone and not just internet paper...

Oh well, until next time...  

what am i doing and where is the love?

my thoughts and possible realizations of getting a ph.d. in a "liberatory" field

what can i say?

i’m not so sure of anything anymore. just got out of a “discussion” about neoliberalism and its various impacts on social systems, especially higher education. metaphorically the outcomes of these actions were equated with a “zombie culture” a system of the living dead that preys on the living. we acknowledged how steeped in neoliberalism higher ed was and especially programs like cultural studies. i wondered, how can we know about this but not do anything about it? how can such a program that critiques these systems simultaneously perpetuate them? i spoke about the process of getting a dissertation, especially the preliminary exams and dissertation process. i noted how the experiences reiterated to me were deeply alienating, soul crushing experiences (which oddly enough was done out of love somehow).

i am having trouble signing on to the belief that this process is in any way humanizing given its legacy of being the exact opposite—it makes or breaks you after all right? you must remove yourself from your loved ones, work in isolation with these unreasonable expectations hanging over your head of becoming an expert in your field, an intellectual, that you are cultivating this intellectual capital that puts you above the rest; a perpetuation of these deeply oppressive hierarchies.

 i did not come to this program to learn how to play the game, go off and play the game and teach others how to play the game! same goes for sociology. i idealized this program—and sociology—of being a place where i would acquire the tools needed to enact some kind of change in these types of systems! not simply know what is going on for the sake of understanding it in and of itself and just continue on my way happy with the knowledge i’ve gained. i know the process of becoming and getting a ph.d is hard work and i’m okay with that part. not okay with how dehumanizing that process continues to be, and the implication of higher ed being part of a larger system steeped in neoliberalism is that i shouldn’t expect anything less of any higher ed program, no matter what clothing it wears, what ideals it spouts.

someone used the analogy of the process being one where individuals have to give up and rearrange their thinking about things; that that is what is painful about the process. i responded with what i feel this means i have to give up: the ideals that i came in with, ideals that i am here to not only understand but somehow use what i have learned to enact more just ways of being in whatever situation that is i find myself being of service—to practice the ideals of social justice and wellbeing of myself and others.

i wrote this found poem from transcripts of an interview with a meth addict in which s/he describes her/his experiences with the drug. here is the poem i wrote:

in the beginning?

yes.

ravenously.

it gave me energy

for a while

but...all it does is just deteriorate and break you down

it’s humbling

lies like you wouldn’t believe

changes your brain structure so much

and i thought we had a connection

that’s what i fell in love with

 looking at it made me wonder if i am addicted to education and the idea of it as a liberatory space while having experienced it as the opposite of that? fixated on the feeling that what i come away with is something that allows me the ability to enact social justice when that is nothing more than a fantasy in ‘real’ life? it reminds me of the silly kid i was in thinking i was going to be an astronaut, traveling the galaxies and jumping off the rings of Saturn, or becoming a scientist who discovers the cure for AIDS; a childhood fantasy i had to let go of once my relationships with science became problematic.

academia does the same things this poem about addiction describes and the process of learning these exciting things about structural and systematic oppression—the ability to put a theoretical face to what is happening in society—fills me with the joy of knowing but the anxiousness of wondering what i could do about it. it breaks my heart to think that i was in love with nothing more than an idea; a fantasy and that love doesn’t live here at all—not the kind that propels anyone to meaningful action.

i want a ph.d. so i can teach others about these troubling ways of society but now i feel at a loss. how can i move forward knowing what i do? i want to think that i would do things differently, but after having taught once and knowing the implications of the education system i participate in...i just don’t know how can i be happy where love is not valued, encouraged, accepted or fostered? i don’t want to become a zombie. and is that what moving forward means i’m signing on for?

being at my alma mater  seemed like such a humanizing place in comparison. i didn’t understand a lot but my soul was never desecrated for my lack of understanding nor was i being trained to play some kind of game ...everyone here seems too busy to care about making anything humanizing possible...  

what does it mean to get a ph.d. in a place that does care about humanity and love? that practices what it preaches about social justice?

where do i go from here? 

leap day!

and what a day!
why is february only 28/9 days again?
i need more time!
so much work to do it's ridiculous!

back to work!