Ho hum, here I go again!
I was just at a going away gathering
and came away feeling rather embarrassed. In trying to go with the
flow with trying to start conversations and introduce myself—like I
normally don't—I ended up making a fool out of myself several
times. This is me however. I don't always say the right things at
the right time, I was never that cool to begin with, so attempts seem
quite futile at times. I knew it would be rude to be the odd
wallflower on the margins, so I figured I would just be me, and ended
up being weird. What causes that extra sting is that I was around
other black people like myself for once. Except when I speak or be
myself, I am reminded that I am not like other black people, and that
they more than likely have a strong desire to disown me.
The dream
goggles of marginal acceptance came off when a certain so-and-so
showed up acting like he didn't know me and only bothered to speak to
me—to say bye—when I was saying my goodbyes. I honestly have
given this person no real tangible reason to dislike me as much as he
clearly does—I mean the nonverbal cues speak volumes. Tonight
however, a scenario popped into my head that involved me actually
confronting this attitude ridden stranger, punching him in the face
several times and saying “Now you have a tangible reason not to
like me...chump!” and then walking off with only shocked stares
following ("Steppin' Razor" is playing in the background).
The fact that I am so bothered by such continual
occurrences means I have a long way to go before gaining a true sense
of self acceptance. What makes this challenging is knowing that
around anybody, but especially other black people, I feel like I am
in permanent high school. I can't escape from the constant judgment
that comes with me being myself! It's not that I'm a total slob or
anything, I just “talk funny” and have a rather awkward demeanor
at times. I'm not sure what else has me being elected for an even
more marginalized status than usual but it kills the shit out of my
self-confidence, and I'm fricken 29! Time and time again I ask
myself, WHAT DID I DO? What did I do to offend these people so? What
am I to these people?
I know I sound like a whiny victim; I just cant
help it when stuff like this keeps coming up. I honestly do nothing
but try to be polite and strike up some semblance of a conversation.
Yet, all I get is brick walls of attitude like I am unworthy of being
taken seriously as a human being for some reason! What would these
people say about me if I were to die tomorrow I wonder? These people
who could give two farts about me on any given day? It is soul
crushing to feel so alone because I'm not this, that or black enough.
Ugh, how scummy must I appear to these people, my so-called fellow
human beings? If any of those people needed help tomorrow, I would
give my all to do what I could, while those same people—especially
mr. so-and-so—would probably set me on fire if they thought they
could get away with it (and in this town they probably could).
Here I am trying to find a path toward
healing, understanding, and love, and I keep coming back to stuff
like this. I am certainly not thrilled by such inner turmoil and am
troubled by not knowing when or how to get to a place where stuff
like this doesn't bother me because I am okay with who I am enough to
know that no real harm is meant by these people (or maybe I'm
dreaming again). Days like this make me want to close up permanently.
However I cannot help but revert to that childhood self that loves
reaching for the stars and the heavens. Maybe my people (real
non-shady, awesome people) are up there too. How to strengthen myself
to the point where I can withstand the dangers of reaching is a
mystery that is yet to be solved.
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