After reading The Art of Loving (again with that book? I know, I know) I realized part of what I was trying to articulate with my post on relationships (in which clarity is a major issue). This articulation is prefaced by a question asked by Fromm:
"is the social structure of western civilization," and the "spirit resulting from it...conducive to the development of love?"
I would replace civilization with society, but other than that, when considering the love described by Fromm and bell hooks posited on a previous post, this question applies to the functioning of relationships as well. When considering, as Fromm does, that the social structures of western society are rooted in capitalism, and all the characteristics implied (I'll get to that in a second), it is not hard to come to the conclusion that the way western society functions, and the ideas, values, norms, and beliefs that stem from it, which are instilled in its people, is incompatible to the development, let alone imagining of love or the relationships that can result from it.
What characteristics of a society rooted in capitalism do I mean?
For one, consumption. I've observed love to be a major act of consumption, not just of things but of one another which lends itself to another characteristic, ownership. As I mentioned in my first take on relationships, we do all sorts of things to make ourselves worthy of consumption, which alienates us from ourselves (alienation is another characteristic). We've been trained to live a life where we are complacent with alienation from ourselves and others, from the work we end up doing, so its easy for many of us to do so in many situations, even relationships. It is as if knowing ourselves and being sure of ourselves is less important when it comes to establishing a relationship. At the same time we are highly individualistic and self-centered; taught to believe that we should live for the moment, which amounts to living for ourselves. While teamwork is prized, it is hardly a training ground for the sense of communalism needed to relate well and for a sustained amount of time with Others. Indeed I think "teamwork" is an activity that is conjoined in alienation when the goal is the production of some thing or another--getting the job done. Contradictory they may be, but we function with characteristics like these pretty well.
All we learn about love and relationships it seems is from areas steeped in consumerism, especially the media. Love is this prize to be won in the form of an individual. We want to be accepted for who and what we are without understanding who or what that is too clearly ourselves. Love is that thing to be put on a shelf with the rest of our possessions, to be controlled and shaped just how we want it to be, forgetting, that we are dealing with another person the whole time.
It is difficult to imagine transcending the very social structures we live in, especially when we know the negative sanctions hurled our way for even trying. Yet questing for the love that transcends ourselves, and perhaps, begins with ourselves (which isn't selfish by any means) requires thinking and acting outside of the box.
This has led me to books like The Art of Loving, which gives the point of view of love being viewed as an art form to be understood and practiced meaningfully. I've decided that this practice begins with me before I can be confident and competent with doing the same for others (I'm sure my Mate would appreciate that). This is a slow and difficult process (especially in confronting my roots as an individual), but worth engaging in so I can better understand where I am coming from and where I want to go to: a place or at least a state of being structured by care, respect, responsibility, knowledge, and supported by commitment, trust, and open honest communication.
Next up for reading on this topic:
Strength to Love MLK jr.(need to finish)
Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community MLK jr
Pedagogy of the Heart Paulo Freire
Communion bell hooks (maybe)
other suggestions?
general feedback?
Until next time...
Showing posts with label companionship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label companionship. Show all posts
Monday, December 5, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Ways of thinking about Love
I've been pondering this for a while, but never tried to articulate it until yesterday. How love could be thought about outside of taken for granted notions is not an easy feat. In fact this pondering is a contradiction to how I currently act on love. But here is some of what I've been thinking...
Love is like the sun. It is something that is enjoyed by everyone to a certain degree. Many have different relationships with the sun but seem to appreciate it no less. The sun is not something that can be possessed by a single person or a group of people, it is for all to share and live with as they see fit. In fact, it would be quite wrong for someone to withhold the sun if they could, because that person would be denying the rest of humanity the benefits of having the sun, thus doing humanity a great disservice. Perhaps love can be thought of in this way.
Each of us can be thought of as a multifaceted fragment of sun. Each one of us can benefit from one another in various ways. It would be wrong to solely possess this benefit, denying others the chance to do the same (benefit from this individual's presence). Yet with the kind of possessive love that is so much a part of our culture, this is what we are expected to do when we find that special person. Does doing this in the long run, deny others of benefiting from this individual in similar or other varied ways, and thus deny a possible bettering of humanity by doing so? Should love, then, be thought of more on the level of deep companionship rather than as a romantic venture? A form of relationship where everyone can potentially benefit from each other because there is no sense of possession involved?
While I can see this kind of love being the case for companionship, I wonder if it couldn't also be the case romantically as well? All relationships are multifaceted and how we benefit from one another is no different. So, were this notion to apply to romantic as well as non-romantic settings, would it still be possible for love to be thought of in a manner where all can benefit? Where there is no sense of ownership?
I think love should be regarded as the sun, and that we should be free to benefit from one another without the sense of entitlement and ownership that is so infused in our culture. I'm not saying to be careless with one another (like in the 'free love' era when disease began to run rampant), but to be respectful, like we are with the sun. We know of and appreciate its qualities, harmful and beneficial. We know how to live with it responsibly and (I would like to think) we don't take it for granted. If we treat one another in similar ways, caring for and about our multifaceted selves when acting in the name of love, humanity might be a more beautiful place. We might become more beautiful people whom do not feel limited by the sense of possession that is a part of modern notions of love.
What would it mean to let go, and allow for this kind of love to come to fruition? I have no idea. I would like to think it would mean greater opportunities to learn, grow and understand myself by having a deeper sense of communion with others. I would like to think that it means taking actions towards being beneficial to and benefited by others and working towards the betterment of humanity.
Romantically, I also have no idea. There would be no sense of ownership perhaps, should the sun analogy be followed. This could mean ideas surrounding what it means to be in a romantic relationship are restructured with the removal of jealousy if we truly have respect for the others right to flourish and have their own speck of sun shine to its potential. Perhaps there would be no need for this type of relationship structure or at least a in a permanent sense.
Who knows? I haven't done any reading on the subject, these are just my thoughts on the matter. Others who might have mulled this over in other ways might have more to contribute. I would appreciate any added insight on the matter myself. I doubt I'm on to anything special, but it's a conversation I would like to have none the less.
Until next time...
Love is like the sun. It is something that is enjoyed by everyone to a certain degree. Many have different relationships with the sun but seem to appreciate it no less. The sun is not something that can be possessed by a single person or a group of people, it is for all to share and live with as they see fit. In fact, it would be quite wrong for someone to withhold the sun if they could, because that person would be denying the rest of humanity the benefits of having the sun, thus doing humanity a great disservice. Perhaps love can be thought of in this way.
Each of us can be thought of as a multifaceted fragment of sun. Each one of us can benefit from one another in various ways. It would be wrong to solely possess this benefit, denying others the chance to do the same (benefit from this individual's presence). Yet with the kind of possessive love that is so much a part of our culture, this is what we are expected to do when we find that special person. Does doing this in the long run, deny others of benefiting from this individual in similar or other varied ways, and thus deny a possible bettering of humanity by doing so? Should love, then, be thought of more on the level of deep companionship rather than as a romantic venture? A form of relationship where everyone can potentially benefit from each other because there is no sense of possession involved?
While I can see this kind of love being the case for companionship, I wonder if it couldn't also be the case romantically as well? All relationships are multifaceted and how we benefit from one another is no different. So, were this notion to apply to romantic as well as non-romantic settings, would it still be possible for love to be thought of in a manner where all can benefit? Where there is no sense of ownership?
I think love should be regarded as the sun, and that we should be free to benefit from one another without the sense of entitlement and ownership that is so infused in our culture. I'm not saying to be careless with one another (like in the 'free love' era when disease began to run rampant), but to be respectful, like we are with the sun. We know of and appreciate its qualities, harmful and beneficial. We know how to live with it responsibly and (I would like to think) we don't take it for granted. If we treat one another in similar ways, caring for and about our multifaceted selves when acting in the name of love, humanity might be a more beautiful place. We might become more beautiful people whom do not feel limited by the sense of possession that is a part of modern notions of love.
What would it mean to let go, and allow for this kind of love to come to fruition? I have no idea. I would like to think it would mean greater opportunities to learn, grow and understand myself by having a deeper sense of communion with others. I would like to think that it means taking actions towards being beneficial to and benefited by others and working towards the betterment of humanity.
Romantically, I also have no idea. There would be no sense of ownership perhaps, should the sun analogy be followed. This could mean ideas surrounding what it means to be in a romantic relationship are restructured with the removal of jealousy if we truly have respect for the others right to flourish and have their own speck of sun shine to its potential. Perhaps there would be no need for this type of relationship structure or at least a in a permanent sense.
Who knows? I haven't done any reading on the subject, these are just my thoughts on the matter. Others who might have mulled this over in other ways might have more to contribute. I would appreciate any added insight on the matter myself. I doubt I'm on to anything special, but it's a conversation I would like to have none the less.
Until next time...
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