Forgiveness

i'm not quite there yet. not sure if i ever will be.
i realized this today when talking to sis about the man i dread becoming because he is very much a part of me. what he did still serves as a barrier to any possibility of being able to relate to him as an adult. i still feel like a docile child around him. he did a good job of making sure i was docile, incapable of standing up for myself, my siblings, my mother. he contends he did nothing wrong. still manipulative. twisting truths to suit his vision best. how can i reconcile with such ugliness? pretend to get along with it? i abhor him. i abhor what i am because of how well he shaped me and my anger. the pit of black  that rests deep in my soul, my past and present. how can i avoid bringing it into my future? i want nothing more than to embrace and get along with it (or do i? should i?), with him. but he treats me the way he has for 18 years, and then i'm magically an adult that can relate to him as a friend? not a chance. i could never be real with him, he made sure we knew that. my inability to be myself freely (not that i know who that is) will always be a barrier not just to our relationship, but to my relationship with others. i am a master at walking on eggshells just to appease. i hate that it's either this or being him, which is unacceptable. i just want to be me and happy. but who can teach me these things when all i've learned is anything but?

no i am not ready to forgive him. i do not think this would change if he were to be on his deathbed the next day.

does this make me incapable of practicing what i want to preach? of love and acceptance? of great understanding?

how can i let go? how can i forget? his teachings are forever seared into my psyche and soul...

Books and Keeping Track of What I Read

So, in the last few months, I've read more fiction on a weekly basis than I think I ever have in my entire life. Who has time for fiction when academia is hounding you to read painfully boring stuff--and I mean wanting to spoon out my eyeballs and burn them so I have an excuse as to why I can't read, cause they couldn't have possibly published all those academic articles in braille right?

Any who, thanks to an American postmodern fiction class I took, I've finally had the chance to read stuff classified as academic that expanded on my thinking about certain things. The class was like a book club for academic nerds. I certainly was able to re-examine theories I came across previously through novels like Jazz by Toni Morrison, Neuromancer by William Gibson, Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston,  The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven  by Sherman Alexie, and Maus by Art Spiegelman (which I haven't touched since third grade).These are books I would not have touched otherwise and was glad I forced myself into a situation where I had to. Being able to think about things like identity formation and becoming,and the role of history, culture, environment etc., in all of this, through works of fiction of the most truthful sort, is a nice alternative to all theory all the time, which is at times the blandest way to encounter knowledge. Needless to say, I've enjoyed my time in the world of fiction almost as much as I enjoy my time watching thought-provoking anime/Japanese animated shows/movies. I now desire to communicate my findings in the world of theory in similar ways--except maybe in graphic novel form, and no not the academic ones that are actually paper tranquilizers with pictures.

It's been a while since I've read these books but the ideas communicated still pop up from time to time. I wonder how effective it would be to take notes from these novels, like I would my academic texts...Would I be academizing an artform and thus rendering it boring? Who knows, but I've gotta keep better track of what I read sand my mind isn't the most reliable place at the moment.

Oh yeah, so a friend of mine lent me a few books I consumed rather quickly and would like to incorporate into my understanding of love/ loving practice, becoming, and the place of violence in all of this. I'm still grappling with the necessity of violence in the process of becoming and rethinking what this means. The books are Parable of the Sower and Parable of the Talents by Octavia Butler. As with the previously mentioned novels and authors--except Spiegelman--I have never read any of her work but have always heard about how amazing she is and have now seen for myself. I enjoyed Parable of the Sower more (I don't know, it just seemed more impactful in its messaging) because it made me revisit my wanderings in attempting to understand alchemy--read The Alchemist  by Paulo Coelho a while back among other brief texts about alchemy and everything. Now I just have to revisit and synthesize everything in an attempt to come to my own understanding of all of this complicated stuff! But who has time for that? I've gotta learn some new learning software for a class I'm teaching in a few weeks!

For now I'll take what I can get. I kinda wish I had more friends who read cool books they could loan me, or at least had a suggestion or two. I really don't have time to but if it's juicy, I'll make time dammit! I mean fiction of course, and am beginning to favor postmodern styles more and more, which includes graphic novels too! Reminds me to include The Eternal Smile  by Gene Luen Yang  in my attempted synthesis. Good stuff.

So yeah, any suggestions for what to read that is related to anything mentioned here or elsewhere in this bloggy-blog is welcome. No guarantees I'll read it, but will try if you really want me to. I also wish I could discuss these books with someone and not just internet paper...

Oh well, until next time...  

Sex (or my adventure in pushing topic boundaries)

So, maybe this post is more about sexuality--i.e. sexual identity.

Is it important to have one? To be affirmed as having one? Is this an important aspect of who we are as individuals? Sure Cosmo would like us to think so along with shows like Sex in the City (which I have yet to see but know people who have), but what's the big deal?

When it comes to discovering myself I seem to be placing less and less emphasis on this. In my late teens/early twenties this was a different story since sex was new to me and thus very exciting. However, because of my awkwardness, and growing lack of interest in following magazine advice, I slowly began to wonder, who am I kidding? None of this is who I am. Sure I'm a sucker for romance but not when its rather transparent as to its purpose. I wish there were a such thing as sexuality being natural, but alas, like love and other forms/means of relation/expression, this too is learned to a large extent.

Yes, there's just knowing whom one is attracted to but beyond that lies "forbidden" and thus unexamined territory. No one in this efficiently shaming culture of ours dares properly teach us about this stuff (I can't even begin to imagine how it might be done). No labels are available for how one likes their experience to feel; such vocabulary seems nonexistent. The stuff that is out there I, once again, do not seem to find interest with.

Which again begs the question, is it really that important that this side of ourselves be well developed in order to be considered whole? My Mate is very sure of himself as a sexual being and knows his desires well. He is certain that this side of himself is not to be neglected. For myself, I am the exact opposite. Maybe it's because I have so much I need to learn but I wonder what the point of it is.  Like my venture with statistics, sexuality for me has been a bumbling venture I am just no good at, making the idea of confident self-assertion rather humorous if not humiliating.

At the moment  I am certain developing this side of myself will not make me a better person, which is why I wonder about the significance of sexuality (the same goes for pursuing statistics simply because it will make me a better researcher).  It is also why I am willing to pass it off as a rather pointless venture that is only self-serving in the long run. But in doing this am I in some way denying myself the potential to become more whole (whatever that may mean)? No I have not stopped having sex, I just don't take it as seriously as others and especially our misguided culture seems to.

Those with differing experiences that might be informative about the subject are welcome to express their thoughts. I haven't completely closed my mind off to the possibility of exploring sexuality as an identity marker, just heavily questioning it is all.

By the way, I am normally not this candid about anything but I figured this is a fairly unexamined issue that might be in need of examination. For me, this might mean understanding myself a little better. Oh well, what will be of this post will be I guess. Thanks for venturing!

Until next time...