I Love You--Updated

This post was originally written in July 2011. Meant as a meditation on the phrase, I figured it was overdue for an update...

What do I mean when I say/write this? This is something that addresses all the people in my life I love--especially the ones I do not tell, but feel for none the less. I figure I should put some effort toward understanding love and my conception of it. I might update this post from time to time upon further meditation and interactions with books that discuss the subject. For now I'll start with the things on my mind. For starters...

• I care about you

I want you to be happy, well, and safe. Caring about you means you are dear to me, near or far. I worry about you and hope for the best for you. I am willing to do what I can for you within reason. I wish I could protect you from harm. I want to be a positive presence in your life.

• I respect you

I see the good in you. I admire and look up to you. I want to grow into the qualities that make you such an awesome person.  I look forward to learning more from and about you. You are a wise person who helps me see things differently. Good, bad or otherwise, you are yourself and I appreciate your willingness to be yourself around me. Likewise, you seem to like and enjoy me for who I am.

• I adore you

You  are super cool in my book.  I enjoy your company. The vibes you give off are super positive, which makes me happy to be around you.

• I appreciate you

You are patient with me. You are considerate, kind, loyal. I don't have to worry about the possibility of 'backstabbing', being talked about behind my back, or other negative things, which means I do not have to be ultra self-conscious around you. You do your best for me and I am more than happy to do likewise. You are understanding. You have my undying gratitude for being so wonderful. I'm glad you're in my life.

• I want to know more about you

Who you are means a lot to me. I love hearing about your adventures in life; what you're going through, your triumphs and setbacks, guilty pleasures, favorite things. I may not vibe with everything that you are, but I want to appreciate who you are as fully as possible. This means getting to know you to the best of my ability, compassionately. Usually you share without shame because you know life is what it is and are more than willing to pass your insights on.

For now, these are the things that come to mind when I think about the people I love. When I say 'I love you' this is initially what I mean. Additionally, I feel the people in my life I love help me grow and become a better person and I hope to do the same for them. These categories are not meant to be thought of as mutually exclusive, just a way of sorting out my thoughts on the matter. I realize this might be a rather self-serving use of the phrase. I know I have a lot to learn about love and its many meanings. I want to learn more about putting love into action, making it more meaningful than just words. I realize I do not openly express all of these things to the people I love and I act on them in more of an internal sense. This is not a sentiment exclusive to lovers, but meant more for friends, family, and mentors near or far. These are all people I look up to and want to grow up to be in one way or another.

Any thoughts had about the topic are always welcome. I look forward to further expanding myself so that I may be of actual benefit to the people I love and humanity in general.

Until next time...

Feelings I'm Working through...

Being overwhelmed and overworked by what is ultimately the bs of academia makes it difficult to reassert my what my purpose is in being here. I want to do well by others through my work. Yet blow-ups with colleagues that have left festering wounds that make it impossible to make eye-contact, the departure of dear friends who keep me focused on my purpose, and not really knowing the right way to go on top of this make it difficult to know what steps to take. Now I'm taking on too much, making it hard to see clearly about any one thing. I want to be a friend, a good person people want to turn to, yet by asserting myself, have I burned bridges to friendship? I feel more alienated than ever when it comes to what I'm doing academically because I am unsure of the way to go, the way that allows me to go towards love of self and love of others through action. I don't want for anything to be too late when it comes to this but I can't help but wonder. It all feels like too much. And then I heard this song during a hot yoga session, a good articulation of the feelings I'm working through... a longing for all of this to work out...

Until next time...

A "Bad" Friend

Maybe this is more an issue of the necessity of being a social being. A big struggle of mine is that of leaving the comforts of introversion. It's been a while since high school, but during this time was when my social patterns were developed the most. Moving and attending six high schools didn't help matters any. Nor did finding out from a condescending parent that the people I thought were friends were really people who saw me as the butt of their jokes in junior high. Needless to say most situations with meeting new people are approached with 'yellow alert-like' caution (Star Trek fans know what that means). When it came to situations where I clearly did not fit in I was in 'red-alert' mode, though my passiveness made it difficult to think I could use my phasers, only evasive maneuvers.

In any case, not only am I an introvert but a guarded one trusting the gut on people I've come to know. As a friend, I'm good in face to face situations but am not good at calling or keeping any kind of meaningful contact. On top of that, I'm bad a planning or arranging hang-out sessions. I'm just not a social butterfly. It's great to be contacted but hopefully my failure to reciprocate is not taken personally. It's difficult to gauge if and when I'm becoming a pest with my banter, so to avoid such pondering I keep my share of the conversation minimal which works out since my friends usually have more to say and report than I do.

Unfortunately this is worse for those who have move considerable distances from me. Except for my Sis, whom I can usually depend on to be up for any kind of convo, it is difficult to bring myself to keep in touch. With all of these individuals, I miss and care about them deeply and wish I could see them more. When we do connect, it's refreshing. Most seem to understand how I feel and that I still wish for them to be my friend.

Which brings me to about this time last year. Sis and I met a cool family on a ferry boat to Canada. Next thing you know were up on Hurricane Ridge doing some awesome stargazing with the Twin Brothers from this family--they had an industrial sized telescope, computer coordinates of the constellations and everything! Did I mention it was awesome! We got to see the moon, Saturn, Scorpio and my favorite, the Swan nebula. I cannot begin to thank them enough for the awesome time! Total strangers I wish had become friends--'cause they would make awesome friends. However, my family and I were just passing through so all I could get away with was a phone number and an address. At around Christmas time I sent them a long belated note of thanks and well wishes for the Holiday. I also wrote a poem that I will post and dedicate to all the friends and family I've neglected over the years yet miss like crazy. Anyone I dare to call friend is a major feat of trust on my end because these individuals are truly good and amazing people I've had the fortune of knowing and having in my life at some point. More than anything this piece is an expression of gratitude for that alone. Maybe those of you reading will be able to relate as well...

Star-Gazing

Etched on the contours of my soul

Are memories of the Stars

You all are there too

The night sky is the photo album where I keep you

With the rest of my far-flung family

Beautifully placed yet so far away

Though I neglect you

I am blessed to know you are there 

And that I can visit you

And you me

When I go outside

Love,

Aloe-Jade