Confidence

After revisiting the past with a former colleague of mine, I feel unsure of myself once more. Our entire conversation wasn't centered around me but the politics surrounding my exit from a graduate program I was once in.  Clearly, I do not want to go into details, but I need to articulate how I've come to view the situation and that is this...

WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE BEING TREATED LIKE THIS?

I'm a reserved and quite shy person. Only once, when it was clear I was being arbitrarily torn to shreds, did I have the nerve to raise my voice to a 'superior'--and that really is saying something that me yelling at an 'authority figure' ever came to pass. Otherwise, I did nothing to step on anyone's toes. In fact, I avoided it at all costs.

I feel, that was part of the problem. There was no confidence on my end to approach anyone--professors that is--because I didn't feel I could trust them. Speaking to other friends--who left by the way--I knew to step carefully around these individuals. It takes a lot to trust another individual, especially one with power. I want to be able to relate on a level deeper than professionalism. A level where I can be myself, yet still be supported as a scholar with ideas. I couldn't detect a space where this would be possible, so I stayed silent until I forced myself into a relationship with faculty as a means of survival. I couldn't get my Master's without a committee after all. And that's when things gradually went south.

On both counts my failure to act on my intuition cost me dearly. I worry about the new program I will be starting this fall. I want to be myself yet be empowered as well. I don't think these things should be contradictory. I know I need to be confident and assertive. I hope I've ended up in an environment that supports me as a person, which will lend to my comfort and thus my confidence.

I do intend to get my Ph.D. and begin making good on my desire to do right by others, supporting those who need it most by being where I am needed most. I know this is a rather vague desire that is by no means a concrete plan, but I am open to moving towards the direction of how this desire materializes.

I know this post was a bit scattered but I thought I'd at least get this off my brain. Thanks for 'listening'.

Until next time...