Codes: A rough poem

dear brothers

thank you for validating what the ideal woman is for the thousanth time

smart, confident, logical, powerful, capable of fitting the illogic of queer and feminist thought in a logical box

not to mention white

codes as masculine

one of the guys

a good ol boy in the making

likable =readily fuckable?

thank you for pointing out what the ideal woman isn't

illogical, insecure, whiny, incapable of making you feel comfortable with their queer and feminist thought

not to mention of color

codes as feminine

childish and of little worth

unlikable=unattractive

common complaint: colored girls that want to be white

is it really that hard to fathom

listening to you talk?

Oddly enough when that woman of color does code as masculine

code as confident, as empowered, as logical

she needs to be taught a lesson

how could she have forgotten that pedestal is off limits?

Silly woman

men of color stereotyped as preferring codes of whiteness

white females placed on pedestals made just for them

whiteness = sovereign power

maleness=sovereign power

worthy of their praise

women of color placed on knees; the only way to be seen as good

colors = expendable weakness 

femaleness=expendable weakness

worthy only of servitude to them

the choice is clear but is the stereotype really that true?

Say it aint so

they say they value the real, the truth in her

her apparent power

but they do not value the real, the truth in them

their apparent weakness

but truth is truth and real is real right?

real and truth are uncomfortable things

things power does not handle well

when it comes from the dominated

but when it comes from power

from the hims and hers that code as power

it is welcome with open arms and repeated as gospel

as if we said nothing at all

they know the pain of that

but prefer to continue stabbing anyway

taking us for chumps that don't know the illogic

of why it is right that they do so

Outtro

and this is why I never partake in such politicking

and this is why I am in pain when I hear you talk this way

do you not know you do the same to me as you do to them?

Am I not your sister?  

We have so much to share with you

if you could only grant us the benefit of the doubt

and exercise unconditional compassion

are you really my brother?

Pride : a continual balancing act with humility

I mentioned previously something along the lines of pride being hard to come by let alone engage in meaningfully and lovingly. I stand by this in the sense that there are people that have historically, and continue to be, readily downtrodden. We live in a world that would rather see us as disposable and we internalize this reality as our own. So, taking pride in who I am is as much a form of self-love as it is resistance--especially considering how challenging it is to enact regularly and in spite of a world that is more interested in me staying in my place.

With this in mind, it must be acknowledged that pride can become imbalanced in ourselves and easily tilt into the realm of hubris. This is especially the case when we find ourselves flourishing in certain areas in life. After all, we live in a world in which hierarchies are the status-quo, which means we are considered to be in competition with one another in all things. When pride is difficult to come by and engage in, it can be quite a challenge not to indulge in such behaviors.

On the typical side, when pride is engaged, it is not always intentional to the extent that one wants to feel or be considered better than the other...or maybe that is my take on its expression. I think this is the case when, on our planes of existence, we have reached places in consciousness as well as life that others around us have not. This arrival, especially when celebrated, is often misconstrued by ourselves and others, as notification that we are better than others. Such misconceptions are made possible by a status-quo that favors hierarchy, capitalism, and subsequently competition.

Humility comes into play as a balance point where, when engaged we understand that we are one among many, not in competition, no better and no worse than the people around us. But the true test of this balance comes in the form of interactions where we can choose to react to those around us that are not on the same page as us in ways that can further balance the pride and humility we have, or imbalance ourselves in favor of pride. The known Biblical passage that begins with "love is patient, love is kind" offers a suggestion of  how the balanced approach can be achieved. Remembering that humility is an act of love is key. When balanced with pride, there can be a multiplying effect of the love that occurs.

Easily said than done, I know. When it comes to those that want to be where we are but are far from reaching the page we are at, this can be hard to engage with strangers, acquaintances, friends, and loved ones alike. Sometimes we forget what it was like to struggle through words and concepts that lead to understanding what we now consider common sense (literally and metaphorically speaking). Part of this for me comes from the understanding that they are great just like me, so it  shouldn't be hard to come along to where I'm at. At other times, it's more of an annoyance that they just don't seem to get it, no matter how many times things are explained, reiterated, modeled, even all but spelled out.

The reaction of my patience being tried is what I would like to move away from in favor of an enduring, compassionate, and ultimately loving response. After all, if I find I am able to help, I am more than happy to. But when I am hurt in the midst of engagement with what ends up being a fragile humility, I cannot help but think about "Love is Stronger than Pride" by Sade and wonder if moments like the ones where humility becomes a painful engagement because of tried patience, and being hurt in the process, is what she sings about...

So, when pondering the balance between pride and humility, I am coming to a resting point of believing that achieving a balance between the two states of expression and engagement optimizes the loving potential of both. If I can lift as I climb, or bring someone closer to being on a similar level of consciousness--if that's what they want--then I should, and do, attempt to do what I can. This is all part of the process of journeying, which means letting go of possibilities as far as setbacks are concerned. Continuing to move regardless is important, and as long as I continue to learn the ways of being and loving as part of the process, I'll be okay.

Humility: Thoughts on a useful concept that is easily misconstrued

Being humble is characteristic that many people value but is misused and mistaken.

When I think of humility, I find myself aligned with common understandings of the term where it is exercised by way of thinking of oneself in modest terms. Metaphors that utilize this concept include having the realization that we are but one of many, like stars in the universe with one being no better than the other in spite of the differences we carry with us. I tend to think of humility as part of a loving praxis where we utilize this understanding in ways that allow us to be of benefit to one another in our respective journeys of being who we are. I can help so I will. When I can't help, I will try to find ways of getting you to where you want/need to be,(and will feel bad for not being able to be of help--working on reducing that feeling).

This ends up being misconstrued when considering how we exist in a status quo that suggests that a hierarchy must be maintained and therefore one must be better than others, or at least seen that way. We end up believing that we are in competition with each other to be better than the next person. I notice that systems of oppression benefit from this, especially when it comes to the desire we have to be considered good people, and we are. However we get tricked into believing that humility means lowering ourselves for the sake of another , when such posturing isn't necessary as far as humility is concerned.

What ends up happening is the perpetuation of a standard where those who believe themselves to be the personal lord and savior of others, maintain that status by asking/demanding that those of good will "humble" ourselves before them in status and/or service, which is what we should be doing anyway for our own salvation. This standard should sound familiar, especially when it leads to working against our own interests and subsequently being exploited and oppressed in the process. Often this request/demand of "humility" is really just another way for the oppressor to continue keeping the oppressed down and therefore in their place. Imagery of someone standing on the necks or bodies of others comes to mind. It is no mistake that being on one's knees is another favored imagery of humility.

Many of us know this is happening as we witness that our labor is alienated and non-beneficial in spirit. This is especially the case when we know humility, when considered a loving praxis, is balancing because there is a dialogue--a form of reciprocation--that takes place. Not in the sense that we gain in a capitalist manner of receiving something, but there is satisfaction and even joy that is part of humility when it is a loving praxis, that is, an activity that is respectful, interested in the growth of others, understanding, and caring. Those involved gain and grow from this sort of interaction.

What I do not appreciate about this false humility is the fact that people like me, a black woman, are continually reprimanded for having too much pride when we refuse, or at least speak critically to this form of inherent oppression. Especially when it is clear that the oppressor in question is not interested in considering that this form of humility is oppressive. This is notable when they cannot imagine doing the same for others--unless it is done in the service of opportunity to directly benefit in a way that further elevates their status. The issue I have therefore has to do with the fact that the feeling of pride, for people like me, is hard to come by, let alone engage in meaningfully as an act of self-love.

Those oppressors that are also members of oppressed groups should know this. Our pride makes us targets because we still exist in a system that expects us to know our place, which then gets mistaken for humility. So I get reprimanded for being critical of this notion of lowering myself when it is quite clear what is going on is a reminder of forgetting my place--that of being in service to those that believe themselves to be my personal lords and saviors. My growth is subsequently stunted as I am to receive nothing nourishing and should be grateful for this.

Humility for me is being willing and even happy to do what I can, when I can, where I can, thus a source of pride and an act of resistance to a status-quo of transactional alienating relations. I balk at being used or taken advantage of, which is also part of my previous critique of "humility". One of my biggest challenges as far as humility is concerned is asking for help. Not because I lower myself--no such thing--but that I feel as if I have become insufficient, which is a source of pride for me. Being humble, engaging in humility is an act of love. Pride is an act of self-love that is balanced with humility. People who understand this and act in kind are a joy to be around and learn from. When misconstrued, humility is alienating and oppressive, making it hard to relate to people.

Because I view humility in these ways, those that know me as a friend engage in kind. Those that do not, feel the need to misconstrue humility as a way of asking for things--especially when being "owed" something--when all they need to do is simply ask. Of course I do the same when I do not know where I stand with others, especially those that are more in tune with the status-quo. I also understand the desire not to come off as using others, which is where self-sufficiency kicks into high gear. So I know where folks are coming from when they do this, but it still hurts to think that they see me as someone they need to lower themselves to when I do not desire such forms of relating.

When I think of humility as an act of love, I think this song expresses how this can be understood and hopefully can guide our interactions with others...

Addendum: To engage in humility also means being vulnerable. This means living with the possibility that in engaging in this act of love, one will not be treated in kind, or kindly at all, and should not expect to be (which may or may not contradict my viewpoint of a dialogue taking place). Perhaps being humble is just as much an act of letting go, which allows for it to be an act of love to begin with.

These thoughts are subject to change and open to reconsideration.

I Love You--Updated

This post was originally written in July 2011. Meant as a meditation on the phrase, I figured it was overdue for an update...

What do I mean when I say/write this? This is something that addresses all the people in my life I love--especially the ones I do not tell, but feel for none the less. I figure I should put some effort toward understanding love and my conception of it. I might update this post from time to time upon further meditation and interactions with books that discuss the subject. For now I'll start with the things on my mind. For starters...

• I care about you

I want you to be happy, well, and safe. Caring about you means you are dear to me, near or far. I worry about you and hope for the best for you. I am willing to do what I can for you within reason. I wish I could protect you from harm. I want to be a positive presence in your life.

• I respect you

I see the good in you. I admire and look up to you. I want to grow into the qualities that make you such an awesome person.  I look forward to learning more from and about you. You are a wise person who helps me see things differently. Good, bad or otherwise, you are yourself and I appreciate your willingness to be yourself around me. Likewise, you seem to like and enjoy me for who I am.

• I adore you

You  are super cool in my book.  I enjoy your company. The vibes you give off are super positive, which makes me happy to be around you.

• I appreciate you

You are patient with me. You are considerate, kind, loyal. I don't have to worry about the possibility of 'backstabbing', being talked about behind my back, or other negative things, which means I do not have to be ultra self-conscious around you. You do your best for me and I am more than happy to do likewise. You are understanding. You have my undying gratitude for being so wonderful. I'm glad you're in my life.

• I want to know more about you

Who you are means a lot to me. I love hearing about your adventures in life; what you're going through, your triumphs and setbacks, guilty pleasures, favorite things. I may not vibe with everything that you are, but I want to appreciate who you are as fully as possible. This means getting to know you to the best of my ability, compassionately. Usually you share without shame because you know life is what it is and are more than willing to pass your insights on.

For now, these are the things that come to mind when I think about the people I love. When I say 'I love you' this is initially what I mean. Additionally, I feel the people in my life I love help me grow and become a better person and I hope to do the same for them. These categories are not meant to be thought of as mutually exclusive, just a way of sorting out my thoughts on the matter. I realize this might be a rather self-serving use of the phrase. I know I have a lot to learn about love and its many meanings. I want to learn more about putting love into action, making it more meaningful than just words. I realize I do not openly express all of these things to the people I love and I act on them in more of an internal sense. This is not a sentiment exclusive to lovers, but meant more for friends, family, and mentors near or far. These are all people I look up to and want to grow up to be in one way or another.

Any thoughts had about the topic are always welcome. I look forward to further expanding myself so that I may be of actual benefit to the people I love and humanity in general.

Until next time...

Final reflection : Recovery and moving on from 2014--abridged

Note: I did not like the original post written. Mostly I am not sure I believe half of what I wrote. True I am in a continual state of recovery and growth but the original post is not how I would express that if I had thought about the matter more clearly. Below are fragments from that post that I do grapple with as I ponder recovery and growth into a more loving, tough-minded, soft-hearted self for others.

It has been challenging to transcend programming that critiques based off what is ideal, socially acceptable, attractive, normal, and so on. Pain and fear are so rooted into this, it ends up determining so much of how we live (or maybe that' just me). If I am to accept and love myself for who I am, and continue working and refining myself into the person I want to be, how do I turn this stuff off? Especially in light of reminders of the fact that no matter how "good", or "positive" I can be, I am not guaranteed to be subject to good treatment. I am just as subject to disposal simply for being. It hurts to think that no matter how hard I try (and for those who know me well, I have lived most of my life trying to be a model citizen) nothing positive is likely to result.So what is the point of improvement?

I wrote a letter to my son that references current events surrounding the deaths of black people at the hands of police and Earth Wind and Fire's That's the Way of the World . Notably with this song, I referred to children, flowers and pearls, and hearts growing cold. It forced me to think about experiences I've had and how the ways of the world have worn me down time and again. It made me think about how I can keep my heart revived, warm, and loving, so I can be just as good a model for my son as he continues to grow.

Being a good model for him means full engagement in this process of recovery and growth of self. As I continue on, it helps to intentionally understand and love myself more while doing the same for others regardless of who they are. Who I think I am and hope to become is key in this process.

What I think of myself is this: At my best I am happy, goofy, hopeful, intelligent, creative, wise, thoughtful, helpful, generous, loving, caring, and kind. Along the spectrum, I am naively gullible, self-conscious, absent-minded, moderately patient, stubborn, and tolerant of a lot. At my worst I am defensive, hurtful, gloomy, pensive, brooding, distant, and hard-headed. Picking my battles has therefore been a lifelong struggle.

So, what is the point of improvement having wandered this far? Why try?  Maybe it's knowing and having experienced the kind of good worth giving to others. Maybe it's doing what I can to make sure others do not suffer as I have.  Maybe it's as simple as belief in a better tomorrow--something I can help begin to manifest through my work, my acts, and my self. I'm a creature of habit and one my longest lasting ones--besides nail-biting--is being hopeful. Living to love, become, and do better in spite of the ways of the world is a hope I have for my son. I won't live as vibrantly as he does and will, but I want there to be the kinds of loving spaces that allow for others to live justly.

My hope for the New Year? Besides a better world, to continue finding teachers in the people and world around me that help me get closer to realizing my purpose, my hopes and dreams, and myself. I hope to continue being of benefit to others and the world around me (but not of the doormat variety). As I continue to find my voice and my way, I hope to actualize my recovery and manifestation of a strong mind and soft heart so that I can be more than I currently am. Current challenges: compassionate responses to troubling things, trust, and faith in my instincts. The ways of the world consider me disposable, but my stubborn self will continue on in spite of that because I choose to believe in and be something different. This is my act of refusal, and one I hope my son will take on, the will to shine on regardless of a status-quo that wants us to believe we are disposable.

Until next year! Peace!

Social media participation: At least one aspect of the Matrix that's easy to unplug from

Well, after a little over a month I decided to end my journey of participation in one social media outlet. What is interesting is that like education, literacy, and being well versed in other social constructions, participation in social media is being touted as a social good; something one needs to be a part of in order to be considered a valid member of society. I mean, who wants to be left behind right? Like most forms of peer pressure, not being part of what the cool kids were doing, in other words, feeling like I was missing out on something got to me. So I joined.

A lot of my social media participation felt like being in a club--the kind one dances, mingles, and gets drunk in. I never felt at home in the club scene. Much like drinking, going out just wasn't my thing; I felt awkward and like I generally didn't belong. I couldn't come as myself, and I have never felt the desire to own the kind of outfits I would tend to see at a club--it was just not my style. Let alone the feeling that going to a club was a lot like going to a pointless beauty contest that I couldn't begin to compete in.

Don't get me wrong; the only times I enjoyed going out were when I was with friends but usually when djs that played awesome music (usually non top 40s) were in attendance. I have fun dancing and hanging out with friends under that particular condition. But I digress...

My initial reaction was that me being part of social media is great because it can be a resource for news and regular exposure to ideas of all sorts. But it really ended up being a source of procrastination--and I certainly do not need any of that--and a place where I began having the club experience. Being aware of social norms like how being liked and paid attention to are signs of validity as a social media presence, having followers (whatever that really means) and being followed, surveillance, masks, and micro-aggressions galore--needless to say my vision became clouded by what I could consider the rather shallow mindset these norms can embody, that of immaturity.

Not that I'm all grown up (far from it!), but that I need to own up to the fact that as far as social experiences go, there are places I am not meant to be. Like Sly Stone says in Remember Who You Are, "somebody else's medicine may be a poison to you". If I am to recover and become the person I want to be, there are some things that simply must be given up (if only I could have given up high school in the same way). But experiences like this that are of no consequence to my future calling (still not sure what that is but I am doubtful it requires I be present on any given social media medium) or wellbeing,  are easy to walk away from and say no to. I wish I could say the same about social things and mindsets that really have a stronghold and can be quite damaging.

 For now, I've unplugged  from one aspect of the Matrix in favor of being present in the "real world", in peace, with some...

Recovery as the continual state of becoming: What does that mean again?

I find I am in a continual state of recovery. Recovery from enacting the negativity that seems so much a part of my being. Even as I reconnect with the practice of meditation and prayer in addition to reconnecting with the ideas that come from The Four Agreements, All About Love, The Strength to Love and The Gifts of Imperfection with The Road Less Traveled  following close behind, I find myself tripping up and leaving pain, heartache and disappointment in my wake.

As of late, I have become more aware and mindful of when this occurs, which I have been told means I am one step closer to truly disrupting the patterns of the unwelcome yet old friend--which maybe closely associated if not in all actuality pride itself. Still, as aware as I have become about these damaging aspects of myself, I wonder about on the one hand becoming the person I want to be and on the other, accepting who I am and loving myself unconditionally--pride included.

The person I want to be is loving in an unconditional manner, subsequently unfazed by situations that would otherwise call out the unwelcome old friend, a healer in all she does, a positive presence in the lives of others along with herself, happier, of a tough mind yet soft heart (see The Strength to Love for more on that), and generally at peace with herself. The books mentioned earlier do pretty well with helping me contemplate these things. A large gap in my understanding and effective actualization of these things I think has to do with not fully comprehending and being aware of who I truly am.

This begs the question of what it would mean to truly accept myself for who I am. In thinking about stories like The Iron Giant (awesome movie) I would like to think I am who I choose to be, but in accepting who I am, which has a good deal to do with embracing(?) the unwelcome old friend, does this mean I, in treating this "friend" as unwelcome, am really setting myself up for continual misunderstanding because of an actual lack of acceptance? Does that make any sense?

It reminds me of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood (awesome series) where I might be stumbling on my quest for internalized greatness, which could readily be expressed externally, by way of attempting to purge what is essential to my whole self--old friend/pride(?) included and the quest at large. The unwelcome old friend is part of who I am but I want to be something more. I fear I might be mistaking my growth process as one where I cut this facet off or turn away from it rather than acknowledge and accept it with loving arms as I continue.

I want to believe self-definition and spiritual growth is possible, but I don't want it to be at the cost of denying or simply purging myself of the very thing that our godliness consists of, the less than savory or desirable things. I realize this judgment is less than compassionate, which means my task really lies in figuring out how to treat this self with compassion while working on becoming who I want to be. What I want to be able to do is enact this: I don't have to be negative in my response to triggers which I am troubled by so I won't (see The Iron Giant); I will find another way to respond. Is this the compassionate response; one of self-love, self-acceptance, and the growth which I am seeking?

Side-note: Sis shared with me criticisms of "Western" modes of mental health and healing that are inherently isolationist that come from people from African countries. Their answer, healing in communal loving spaces that celebrate through singing, dancing, and general engagement with one another. I experience the healing power of this approach when I simply get together with familial folks, close friends, and my family. These are people who model the kinds of attributes I desire to adopt, with acceptance of what others would perceive as flaws among themselves and others, being part of the interactions I have with them. It reminds me of how I consider myself a  student for life and why; my teachers are everywhere! Even the ones I hurt with my negativity. I want to grow up to be them. I think there is something to mental health and healing being just as much a matter of being connected and in-tune with people and how they celebrate life and living as being in isolation through counseling and/or meditation. It is the communal loving spaces and interactions where I thrive.